Tomorrow is the day for my godfather's surgery. The surgery that will either kill him or give him a couple more years. They are doing a stress test on his heart in the morning to see if it can survive the surgery them doing another test to see if they can remove 70% of his liver that will save his life or at least give him a few more years.

The doctors said the hardest part is surviving the surgery. I say the hardest part is the waiting. Waiting to see if you will live..waiting to see if you will die..waiting to see if you'll still be here this time next year. The doctors gave him 2 months without any treatment and that was a month ago so I guess it's either this surgery or start saying good bye to him.

My mother and a mutual friend of her and my godmother's left this afternoon and are planning on staying until at least after the surgery. They have to get up at 5am tomorrow to go to the hospital and the surgery will take at least 12 hours to do and with all those extra tests they need to do the surgery may not even start until midafternoon and not be over until the middle of the night. My godmother, her daughter, my mother and their friend are staying the whole time at the hospital. I offered to go too but my mother said I wouldn't like sitting there and waiting. Yeah you're right, sitting around and wondering unable to be of any help while waiting for a phone call here and there with an update is SO much better.

I feel horrible. Earlier today on what good be my godfather's last full day alive I was hoping my mother wouldn't have to be there long and could come back home. How selfish is that?? I'd say VERY but what do I know?? I hate myself for thinking that way. I hate myself for wishing they could postpone the surgery or not be able to do it just yet so my mother could come home a bit earlier.

I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head calling to say my godfather died during the surgery or just before or just after. I keep hoping it's just my paranoia or my mind thinking the worst.

Like the title of this entry says..the next 24-36 hours are going to be hell for everyone involved.