This entry may get people to think less of me but oh well. I've made no secret of the fact that this journal is for me not for everyone's approval. Also this is a long entry so be prepared.

I'm beginning to wonder if I have an anxiety disorder. I see these people talk about symptoms they have on those commercials that run on tv. (they seem to have increased in times they air since 9-11) I have some of those symptoms. I get paranoid sometimes and my mind wanders into thinking bad things could happen or that something is wrong with my husband or someone else I care a lot about and I get really scared.

About 5am this morning or last night, however you want to phrase it, I had a really bad few moments. My husband started coughing, he felt like something was stuck in his throat, snot that drained from his stopped up nose and a little bit of stomach acid. He was coughing more and more. His face turned red and he said he was having minor problems swallowing. (I found out later that he wasn't having problems swallowing, it was that his throat hurt to swallow) Well I freaked out and got scared, started crying and was shaking a bit. I then went to call my mother and ask her opinion. She got upset as my calling but said my husband was fine, that she had that before and to calm down. You would think I would but I didn't. I was shaking a bit more and crying, so scared that something was wrong with my husband. I asked him a million questions as he took a zantac.

I was still freaking out and really scared. I couldn't stop crying. My mind kept wandering that something was wrong. The zantac kicked in, he stopped coughing and he was fine. He told me it happened before, not very often but it's happened a couple times over the years. My mother said she had it and someone I talked to online said they had it too. That made me feel a bit better.

Last night my husband was trying to comfort me. I feel like in a lot of ways I've lost control over portions of my life. My hair was hacked off without my permission. I had no control over my daughter and animals dying. I couldn't stop any of that. My mother tries to boss me around, which I usually don't let her but it doesn't stop her from trying. I can't really control my weight. My weight goes up and down. I try controlling how much I eat, which people tell me isn't enough. I eat one good meal a day and that's all I'm usually in the mood for. I can't control the computer from messing up. I can't control the bad things that happen in the world. If the world is going to blow up I won't be able to control that either. I feel like I can't even control whether I'm going to live to see the next year because of all the threats to the world and all the diseases and medical problems out there.

My mind wanders into thinking about the "what if??" and sometimes it really scares me what my mind wanders into thinking. I get scared that I'm going to lose my husband, lose my parents, and lose my own life. I get so scared and I start crying sometimes. I get these images in my head of something happening and I can't help it.

If we're out in bad weather, I get a little worried. I refuse to go over 20 miles from home during the winter. If my husband is breathing harder I get nervous. If my father looks a little pale I get worried. If my mother complains of a pain I get worried. Sometimes when my mother in law visits or we visit her, if we're in the car with her and she's driving, I get a little nervous at how daring she sometimes tries to get behind the wheel.

I can admit I've been a bit paranoid for a few years now. It seems though that everything I'm paranoid about is because of something that's happened. Like my fear of driving in bad weather started when I was 13 years old and driving back from my friend's father's wake. It was snowing and sleeting and we almost got in a wreck several times.

I lost my daughter, my dog of 10 years, my cat of 14 and a half years within 7 months of each other. A couple months later I started getting really protective of my husband and my parents in fear of losing someone else close to me. A pain or a change in breathing would get me scared. I'm wondering if losing my daughter, my cat and my dog so close together as got me so protective over them or more paranoid than I already was.

When 9-11 happened it got me a little more scared. I was convinced the country was reasonably safe from terrorism. Words like "bio-terrorism" and "nuclear weapons" were words I rarely heard about. To be honest, I didn't even know who Osama Bin Laden was before 9-11. All these reports that the government announces of how we're on a high state of alert, how the terrorists are probably planning more attacks in different ways worries me. Not as much as it did before because it seems the country is constantly put on high alert and it's hardly newsworthy when it gets announced again. For awhile during the anthrax period I was too scared to open the mail at times. I would wash my hands right after opening any mail, sometimes if a bill came from an area that reported anthrax, I would throw it away, barely touching it and not opening it. We would then call the place that sent the bill to ask what was owed or wait until the next bill came and hoped the anthrax scare was over.

I'm trying hard to control my paranoia but it's hard. I don't think I can. My mother sometimes insists I'm doing it for attention. That's not true and it bothers me she would say that. My husband believes I can't control it and wants me to see a doctor about it and see if I really do have an anxiety disorder. We mentioned to my mother about seeing a doctor and she didn't react well. She insisted I didn't need to see a doctor, that I needed to just try a little harder to control it. Damn it I am trying, why can't she see that??

When my mind wanders and I get scared, I try to calm down and think positive. Part of me knows everything is probably okay.(and usually is) Later on I think back on it and part of me realizes it was wrong to get so upset over it but that doesn't stop me from getting scared at the time and really upset. It's like these images flash in my head and I think the worst is going to happen and then I get flashes of the aftermath of the bad things happening. I can't stop the images in my head and the worrying that follows them.

Do I have an anxiety disorder?? I probably should go to a doctor and find out. I'm a little nervous though. That's not usually the most comfortable reason to see a doctor. My husband suggested some kind of pills might help me a lot. It's possible they could. I hope they could. I don't like being paranoid. It bothers the hell out of me actually and I don't know how to control it and not be paranoid. My mother was completely against the idea of pills. She said "Well I wouldn't go advertising that you were on them if you get them. Do you want people to think you're insane??" My husband defended me and said "No one will think she's insane because she's not." He also went on saying how an anxiety disorder isn't a bad thing and if I have it then I should get the help I need for it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to so many people in so many ways. I'm not beautiful. I'm not very smart. I don't have the big career I'm sure my parents dreamed up for me. At times I can have a dense moment. I don't have the dream figure that every girl craves after seeing some woman on tv have. I'm not the outstanding housekeeper that you see on all those old sitcoms. On the other hand, who is?? And of course I am paranoid. My self esteem has never really been that high. It seems to only be above sea level when I'm with my husband. Although sometimes I feel like he could do better. My husband activly tries to bring up my self esteem as my mother seems to activly try to do the opposite. My father on the other hand only gives a compliment if he feels he has to. When my mother tries to give compliments she uses a tone that sounds like she's talking to a 4 year old. If she likes my hair or she bought me an article of clothing and I try it on she'll say "Aww..isn't she cute??"

My mother acts like I'm a burden to her. For years she would constantly tell me how I was an accident and how she didn't plan me. Then after I got married she would say "Remember to use protection." I'd say we used condoms she said "They don't always work, you're living proof of that." At least she'll hug me good bye and say she loves me when we leave after a couple hour visit. My father on the other hand, I'll give him a kiss on the cheek and sometimes a hug, say good bye and 99% of the time he sits there, either not moving or otherwise occupied. He doesn't hug me back or kiss me on the cheek back and will rarely say "I love you" unless I say it first. Last time I hugged him he just stood there eating a piece of cheese. Last time he actually hugged me first was last year before they went on a trip to Florida. That was almost a year ago. Pretty sad huh??

Last time I heard my parents say on their own that they were proud of me was..too long ago to remember and I have a good memory. I don't think my father has ever said it. Sure he'll give me 5 if I do well in a bowling game. Usually if I tell him something I've done he says "Good..good." like he didn't really hear what I said but that he knew it was a good thing.

I try talking to my parents sometimes and they either interrupt or half pay attention. My husband says I've done it a few times too and I can admit I probably have. But at least I'll go back to what the person I interrupted was saying. My parents go on like I never said anything.

Maybe my low self esteem is a contributing factor to my paranoia. I doubt it though. My mother keeps insisting that I just do it for attention. If that was the case why are there times when I get paranoid and no one else is in the room?? My husband is mostly patient and understanding and knows I can't help it. Speaking of him, he made a good point today, why would I fake the paranoia for attention when my mother gets angry and yells at me for being paranoid?? What bothers my husband the most is when I ask questions repeatedly to try to be reassured. Such as "Are you sure it's nothing serious??" or something to that effect and I ask it over and over again. I like hearing the answers though, it does reassure me but not enough to get me to completely calm down instantly.

Is the paranoia I feel normal?? Am I going crazy?? Is it an anxiety disorder?? Some people have told me the paranoia I feel is normal and that they've had it too. That's comforting..to a degree, but it doesn't stop me from being paranoid.