Dec21 can't get a hold of his mother. The little..isn't home yet or she's got her phone off the hook. I know she said she was going back home on a Friday. The question is which Friday. She's hard to find sometimes though, especially when she's not in the state she lives in. Oh well..I'll eventually find out what she thought of the visit. As if I don't already know.

I got the courage to talk to my mother. Not tell her off..but to actually have a talk. The topics were wanting her to stop underestimating me, encourage me a little and when she talks about her weight and how it makes me feel. I was calm..polite..and tried to get her to see my side. The result?? Well she got defensive, she fussed, she guilt tripped, she twisted my words and basically made me out to be the worst, most ungrateful daughter ever to be born.

Yep that's right..she's perfect and I'm an ungrateful brat. She says she does encourage me then within 5 minutes said "What have you done for me to encourage you about??", then said "You want me to encourage you..do something!!" Yeah that made me feel real good. I have to earn encouragement..funny I thought it was the other way around. My mistake I guess.

I told her Dec21 and I were thinking of taking a couple classes this coming semester. Classes around here don't usually start until the end of January. She wasn't very enthusiastic. She bitched saying that she wasn't going to pay for it..well guess what..we're not asking her to!! She kept going on the assumption that we were asking her to pay for it when we never did. Then she said we were making her feel bad because she wasn't going to pay for it. Hello!! We're not asking for the millionth time!! Ever hear of financial aid?? Paying it ourselves?? She also brought up how I stopped going one semester awhile back. My response was "yeah I was going to college, high school, teaching in a preschool and being a student teacher to a kindergarten class at the same time I got burned out." Her response to that was I didn't do it that long. Oh really?? Well gee then I guess I must be overreacting!!!!!

I mentioned to her that she shot down my thinking of becoming a photographer. She denied doing that. Then a few minutes later she shot it down again, exactly the way she had before. A few minutes after that she denied doing it AGAIN. Can alzheimer's start at 46 or is one side of her brain eating the other side of it??

I also happened to mention that when she complains about her weight, which happens to be less than mine it makes me feel bad since I weigh more. She says it's my own fault because I compliment her about her weight. Okay..excuse me..but..huh?? In her opinion when I compliment her about her weight I'm starting her comments because that's when she decides to be critical of her weight. Whatever happened to "Thank you."?? So I hear her bitch about her weight, making me feel bad about my own weight because I'm sweet enough to compliment her when it looks like she's losing weight?? Yeah sure..that makes sense..God forgive me for being nice to my mother.

My mother said that from now on if she does something to say it right then and there. So let's see that's a good idea..let's see if I can tell her if she's doing something and get this guilt trip and bitching again!! Or hey I could wait until she does it when she's already in a bad mood. I should get her more upset by saying "Umm excuse me mom..but you're upsettting me..you really should stop it." Yeah sure..that's a great idea!!

I also brought up how she got SO upset when I was pregnant and she didn't find out until after we were losing the baby but then last week when it was just a chance, we told her right away and she still got upset. She even said we were tormenting her. Her response "Well you were tormenting me, why say anything until you know??" Okay so when do we mention it?? Before or after the baby is born??

So let's see..my mother took what I said as my saying she makes me unhappy all the time and that I think she's a horrible mother who can't do anything right and who I see fit to blame for everything. Call me crazy but I don't quite follow that. But hey I think I deserve a pat on the back for not letting my emotions get the better of me and staying calm and not yell even once. Of course..my mother is making me feel like I just gave her a kick in the ass that reached her heart.