| Today is January 2, 2002..one year ago today 2 of the worst days of my life began. My cat, that I grew up with and loved as if it was my child started dying. The 2 days it took him to die were extremely hard and impossible to ever forget. My husband always tells me that I have a flawless memory. It used to baffle my husband how I could remember every detail of everything that happened every day. Most of the time I enjoy having that good a memory. Every now and then though it has it's disadvantages. Some memories are cherished and want to be remembered forever. However, other memories are ones that you can't forget, no matter how hard you try. With my miscarriage I can remember every thought I had during it, everything that was said and done. When I think back to my cat's death I can remember every single detail of the 2 days it took that cat to die. I can remember how crazy I would get watching him fight so hard to walk when he couldn't. How he would try so hard to eat and drink and couldn't do it. Standing was too hard for him. His back legs would give out and he'd fall to the floor. His back legs were like jello. It was as if he had no bones in his back legs or they were paralyzed. I can remember tears pouring from my eyes as I would watch him, unsure of what was going to happen next and literally pleading with the cat not to move. I sat by his side almost the entire time. I would sit there talking to him, holding his paw and trying to memorize every single hair on him, how warm his body always was, hoping he would meow so I could hear it once again, praying for a miracle that would make him as act as youthful and as playful as he once was. My cat's purr was always so calming to hear. I missed hearing it those 2 days it took my cat to die and to this day I still miss hearing that purr. Those 2 days are so vivid in my mind. Images of my cat suffering don't fade from my memory and show no signs of doing so. When they flash thru my mind it brings tears to my eyes. dataguy: my cat is shedding ike a madman. dataguy: christ almightyy... november009: my cat used to shed november009: so much that you'd have to vaccum twice a day dataguy: echh. november009: he was a sweet cat november009: completely believed he was a human dataguy: yeah, don't they all. november009: well this cat actually acted human november009: when I would ask him a question november009: if the answer was yes he'd nod or meow november009: if the answer was no he wouldn't dataguy: awww dataguy: my cats too stupid. november009: did I tell you what he did the day he died?? dataguy: what did he doo? november009: one thing my cat would also do when he went outside is he would look both ways before crossing the street november009: he actually would november009: and would sit and wait for the cars topass november009: and if he was crossing the road and a car came he'd run back the other way then start again dataguy: and on the fateful day? november009: he was sick for 2 days november009: he couldn't movie november009: move november009: meow november009: walk november009: or even close his eyes november009: his eyes were so dehydrated he couldn't close them november009: the last place he walked on his own was to our bedroom november009: and I was by his side 99%of the time november009: not long before my cat died.. november009: I was sitting with him november009: holding his paw november009: and he didn't do anything november009: I wasn't sure he even knew I was there november009: his paw was so limp in my hand november009: and I rubbed him november009: and I stood up november009: and told him I'd be back in a couple minutes november009: I started walking to the door november009: and like I said he hadn't moved a muscle in way over 24 hours november009: and when I got to the door I heard a noise november009: he lifted his head up november009: looked right at me november009: right into my eyes november009: and started patting the floor with his paw november009: you know like when you try to get a dog to come to you november009: you pat the floor november009: you know what I mean?? dataguy: yeah. november009: well he did that.. november009: and wouldn't stop november009: until I sat back down november009: the second I sat back down november009: he stopped november009: and literally put his paw into my hand november009: and used his claws and paw to grab a hold of my hand inside my hand november009: and literally hold on to my hand november009: with all the strength he had left november009: and did not let go november009: he was literally holding my hand november009: what do you think?? dataguy: a fittimg end for a loyal pet. november009: that wasn't the end november009: the end was almost as strange november009: first of all...what do you think of that?? november009: does it sound like he didn't want me to leave him?? dataguy: heartwarming and yet sad. dataguy: well, probably not. november009: he... november009: my cat had been dying for 2 days november009: and my mother and my husband both couldn't believe november009: how long he was holding on november009: part of me suspected my cat was dying november009: but I didn't completely believe it or want to november009: both my husband and my mother expected my cat to die that first night november009: but he kept holding on november009: he was so limp november009: my husband picked him up once to try to move him a little to make him more comfortable november009: and he felt SO limp november009: my husband said it was like he was holding a rag doll november009: and my husband said something interesting that last day my cat was alive november009: he said "You know, you and that cat think of each other as mother and child...and he NEVER does anything without your permission (which is true, that cat did EVERYTHING I asked him to do, I asked him to come to me, he would, whatever I wanted him to do) november009: and then he said "Maybe the cat is waiting for you to give him permission to let go..he wants to be sure you're okay" november009: what do you think of that so far?? dataguy: finish the story and I'll tell you. november009: well... november009: I thought about it briefly november009: because my husband and my mother were right... november009: by the regular standards the cat shouldn't have survived that long november009: he wasn't eating or drinking november009: or getting insulin that he needed because he was diabetic november009: and he couldn't move at all november009: the cat shouldn't have survived that long but he did november009: well.. november009: just before 6pm... november009: I was sitting with my cat holding his paw november009: I was determined no matter how bad my cat got that I would be there with him november009: I would not let my cat die alone november009: I promised him that over and over again november009: and my husband was on the bed november009: rubbing him a little too november009: and my cat started coughing a little november009: and I almost started crying november009: In fact I think I did november009: and I kneeled over him november009: and I whispered in his ear november009: that I loved him..that I would never forget him..and would always love him and I told my cat that if he wanted to stop fighting it was okay...that he could let go...it was okay.. november009: and I'm not kidding...LESS than 1 minute later.. november009: the cat was gone november009: he died november009: what do you think?? dataguy: that was nice of you. november009: what do you think about my husband's theory?? dataguy: very poetic. november009: do you think he was right?? dataguy: no one will ever know that. november009: what are the chances that he holds on that long and then when I tell the cat that he can let go and stop fighting he dies?? dataguy: mystically low november009: the odd would be incredible of that happening right?? november009: and what about him patting the floor and putting his paw in my hand like that?? dataguy: well, yeah. dataguy: well, cats can learn. november009: he had never done that before november009: and he hadn't moved a single muscle in his body for 24 hours november009: and then all of a sudden he did november009: and looked right at me november009: and he patted that floor with his paw so loudly and hard november009: it was like he was literally desperate for me to sit back down there november009: like a scared child who just had a nightmare and didn't want to be alone dataguy: he probably was. november009: that first night he got sick.. november009: it was so scary november009: I had a panic attack november009: the cat couldn't walk at all november009: he would try and his back legs would just completely give out on him november009: and he'd literally fall down to the floor each time november009: it was SO hard to watch dataguy: I mean, most emotions of fear and happiness are hardwired into all mammals. november009: I found myself begging and crying, pleading with that cat to just lie down and not to try to move november009: I didn't sleep hardly at all, I barely ate november009: imagine trying to watch a cat try to walk and each time he does his back legs just completely give out and he falls down november009: and can't even get up very well november009: and imagine seeing a cat that you grew up with..lie there barely moving... dataguy: he fought it. november009: and his eyes not being able to close november009: his eyes were so dry he couldn't close them november009: my husband thinks the cat may have gone blind just before he died dataguy: yeah, you told me november009: or close to it november009: but you know what's weird.. november009: that first night.. november009: somehow he managed the strength to walk into our bedroom november009: and lay down in front of the bed november009: and that was the last place he walked to november009: how he did it I'll never know dataguy: probably best that way. dataguy: whenever you reduce something spiritual to science, it loses value. november009: my mother came to see him that 2nd night november009: and she chcked on him november009: talked to him november009: petted him and started crying november009: I told her to stop november009: that I was not going to allow my cat to see her crying november009: and have him get upset over it november009: that if she was going to cry to do it outside november009: I wasn't going to allow it dataguy: yeah, particularly her november009: it got to the point... november009: where....and I hate myself sometimes for having thought this.. november009: that I realized that if the cat died, it would be easier, then watching the cat suffer november009: my cat's death was hard as hell..but watching him suffer was a million times worse november009: sometimes I wonder if that makes me a bad person dataguy: nah november009: I actually begged the cat not to try to get up dataguy: I'd rather see someone die on cue than suffer the consequences. november009: watching him try to walk felt like a knife digging into my skin november009: I'm actually crying right now november009: even if I wasn't talking about the cat I would be november009: the cat got sick and started dying January 2, 2001 november009: brb november009: back dataguy: sort of fateful I brought up my cat. november009: *shrugs* dataguy: so it goes, I guess. I guess it doesn't matter whether I pasted the conversation as I just did or summarized the events of those 2 days in several paragraphs. Everything that happened during those days, like many memories, good and bad, can't be properly justified in any amount of words.
Quite a difference huh??:((
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