I've been called ma'am before and it never bothered me. It was by people who were either close to my age or older so I never thought it was a terrible thing. Today I got called ma'am by a kid. A 10-12 year old boy who was wanting me to give him 3 quarters for his change so he could play videogames. I didn't have any quarters on me so I couldn't do it. His exact words though were "Ma'am do you have 3 quarters??" Ma'am?? Ma'am?? Yes I am a female and yes I know technically you're showing respect but MA'AM?!??!!?

Do people not think I feel old already?? Yes 23 is technically still young but to me it feels older in a way. I don't FEEL as young as I thought I would at this age. Feeling like this and then being called a ma'am just makes it worse. I think the reason I feel old is because we don't have kids yet. I thought for sure we would have kids by the time I was this age. Now I'll be at least 24 minimum before we do and call me crazy but it if feels like the later we wait, the less chance it'll happen. Although my heart knows it'll happen and my hubby is positive of it and I KNOW I can get pregnant..I just hate that I have to keep aging before it happens.

The head shrinker said a lot of people who lose a baby feel this way and that it's very normal Maybe it is..maybe it isn't..I'm going on the assumption it is. Maybe I'm feeling older because of how many people I know have had babies younger than this. Skinny Minnie was 20. My mother in law was 20 when she had her first. My mother was 22 when she had me. A lot of other friends are younger than me and they've had kids. Even Cousin Bimbo has 2 kids and as her sister kindly pointed out she's younger than me.

The waiting game has never been a game I've been good at. Patience is a virtue I only possess in certain dosages on some things. When it comes to having a baby..my patience is wearing thin. As I have said before. I know it makes sense to wait and we WILL have a baby..probably several...but I want us to have a baby NOW!!

Here's another thing that will probably sound like this entry is a walking contradiction. I'm scared to get pregnant again. Scared of losing another child and I don't know if I could handle it very well. Losing our daughter was the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru and I'm still not really over it. If we lost another child I think I would be terrified of getting pregnant for awhile. I don't want that to happen. My doctor thinks the next pregnancy will be perfect. Could I get that in writing doc?? I've said before that as scared as I am that it will happen again, I want a baby more than playing it safe and never trying again.

This entry did NOT start out the way I wanted it to. Why couldn't I think of all this last night when I was forcing my brain to come up with words to type. Last night I couldn't buy a topic of discussion from someone..tonight they are over the place just waiting to be picked up. Entries like these convince me even more that I picked the perfect title for this journal.