The day was going to be good..at least I hoped it would. I had hoped for shopping and Ryan's. Well that didn't exactly happen. Instead mom calls and wants to go to Roanoke..eat at Golden Coral..a resturant I rather like and go to Best Buy to shop. Now for some reason Best Buy gets DVD's that other places don't get. In my opinion that sucks but what do you do?? We were also going to go see Lindy who was in the hospital for who knows what.

I was a bit hesitant..Jeff hadn't slept..I had barely slept..my knee is still sore and hard to walk on at times and call me crazy but I get nervous a bit still if we're driving in the rain while on the interstate or more than 30 minutes from home. Anyways we end up going.

We go see Lindy first. Now I have only seen this man once in my life. It was at Randy's (Betty's son) wedding and Lindy was wearing a loud green suit and coughed thru almost the entire wedding. Anyways..mom and I go up to see him. Jeff and J wait down in the lobby. Oh My God!! Lindy looked horrilbe. He was whiter than a fucking sheet, barely had his gown on. In fact I thought he was an old woman when I first saw him and that he was somewhere else in the room. My stupidity huh??

Anyways who knows what he has wrong..all I know is that he's had chest pains and the heart doctor doesn't think it's a good idea to do more tests yet..ummm that can't be good. I wanted to stay after my mom was ready to leave but I didn't want to just yet. I had always wanted a few minutes alone with Thelma before she died and I never asked and to this day I still regret it. Well I didn't want to make that mistake with Lindy. I wanted to talk to him privately..get to know him a bit and ask him questions about my grandfather and maybe my grandmother too if he knew much about her. This could be my last chance to really find out anything about my grandparents on my mother's side.

My mother quickly shot that idea down in a hurry. She refused to let me stay..and when she found out the reason for my wanting to stay she got mad at me. She thought it was wrong to want to talk to him about it while he was sick in the hospital. She then said "You don't even KNOW the man!!" Well duh but how do I get to know him?? The man is a ticking time bomb and could die any second. She said I should wait until he gets better, goes home and then talk to him. Well you know that may not happen!! If how he looks is any indication the only way he'll be going home is if he's going there specifically to die. My mother acted like I was some stupid trouble making idiot for wanting to talk to him. She also said "Besides, you would have to get right up to him to talk or he can't hear you." Now at first I thought that wasn't a bad thing to say about me..until she said "He can't understand you..you talk too fast." Gee mom thanks..just how much lower do you want to lower my self esteem.

On the way to Golden Coral we talked about the time J had chest pains and had to get some heart test done. Well I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was pregnant, had not slept, mom had to go to work so she asked to go sit with him and maybe take him to the doctor. Jeff remembers it that way too. My mom insisted that never happened and she would have NEVER left J he was while having chest pains. Well sorry mom but you DID!! Why else did she ask us to go sit with him if she was there?? Why was she in her work clothes when she met us at the doctor's office?? Why did we need to drive him to the hospital if she was there?? I'll tell you why..because she went to work and DID leave J while he was having chest pains!! She got mad at me acting like I was a trouble maker again trying to upset everyone and make up lies about her. I asked her if she was mad and she said "NO!! But I'm getting there." My exact thought to that was "For what?? Telling the truth??"

After that we went to eat at Golden Coral. Well my knee was getting sore, I was trying to talk to mom about head pains I've been having which have been coming the last few days that have quite frankly scared the hell out of me. She got annoyed..well excuuuse me for having an anxiety disorder!! I swear my mom still acts like I do it all for attention.

Golden Coral wasn't as good as usual. The pepperoni I swear had mold growing on it, the ice cream was just frozen milk, the hot fudge was more like chocolate syrup that had been diluted and the waitress had been inhaling a bit too much helium. Not to mention a kid was screaming like crazy. I said "It kinda makes you think sterilization isn't such a bad thing huh??" My father just HAD to make a comment. He said "Remember that!!" Ummm is that a hint to not have kids?!?! Sorry but I took it to mean that way and quite frankly I don't like it. Jeff said it sounds like J doesn't want to be a grandfather. J said "No no..just look before you leap..think about what you're getting into." Ummm we know..and I still say he was trying to say don't have kids.

Anyways I tell my parents something I've been thinking about for awhile. I was thinking of maybe going to school to become a lawyer. A lot of work I know but I think I could be good at it. Jeff says he thinks I should go for it if I want to do it. My mother didn't seem to think I could really dedicate myself to it. My father literally laughed in my face. Gee thanks mom and dad..is it any wonder why I never stayed in college and got a career?? It's because I get next to no support from my parents. Every career choice..shot down in a matter of seconds. As I told Jeff for when I was in college before..it's hard to stay in and keep with it when you're getting NO support from your parents. That's one of the times you need it most. So let's add that to the list of times I needed support from my parents and never got it.

Off to Best Buy. I found plenty of DVD's..but they either cost way more than I was willing to spend or they had next to no extra features and wasn't really worth it. I found a few CD's I wanted..but again..too much or this time it wasn't by the original artists.

J then insisted on going to some sporting goods store called "Dick's". Now call me crazy but what kind of moron names their store Dick's?? That is SOOO asking for it. By this point..actually while in Best Buy..my knee was hurting like a son of a bitch and it was getting harder to walk on it. Jeff and I sat in Dick(head's) for about half an hour..bored out of our minds in uncomfortable but no doubt overpriced chairs.

Well after that..the day wasn't nearly as well as I had hoped. I fell asleep for a bit..got up..Jeff and I came over to my parents' house. Sarita was there with Austin and Alexis. My parents and Sarita quickly left to look at a house leaving us with the A team. All I can say is that although I enjoyed spending time with them and playing with them..and they like both Jeff and me..they have bigger lungs than a fucking opera singer. An opera singer couldn't touch them!!

So now here I am...tired..sore..depressed and wondering just who I am. I mean I know who I am and my personality and such..but..I don't know much about my grandparents..and most of what I do know is probably biased just a bit by my parents. In some ways..I feel lost. Lost as in unsure of what I get from who..a bit unsure of who I am..what I am..what I get from who and how so..wishing I had gotten more time with my grandparents...wondering if I still really want kids..wondering if I ever will. There seems to be only a few things I'm sure of. I'm sure I love Jeff..I love Oscar..I love my parents..I love kids..I miss my babies and wishing I could have at least seen them and been able to at least hold them once. A lot of times I feel like my parents think I'm some retarded idiot who can't do anything and who is stupid beyond belief. Every now and then..I wonder if they're right.