Please tell me I'm adopted. Someone tell me that and be telling the truth. Although I know it can't be true because in pictures of when I was a kid, I look too much like my mother when she was a kid.

I'm sitting here drinking a Diet Citrus Drop, too depressed to smile. Well, maybe it's that it takes too much energy to smile and I lack the motovation to fake one. No it's the first reason.

I talked to my mother a little while ago. It was going reasonably well until she told me someone she works with lost her baby. She was several months pregnant, like me. My mother doesn't even like this woman and all she could do is say how awful what happened was and how bad she felt for this woman she didn't like. She went on and on about it. Yet when her own daughter loses a baby (who would be 2 years old next month) she says I'm a drama queen looking for attention when I'm not over it in 2 days. She offered no sympathy at all, didn't ask if I wanted to talk about it, didn't give me a hug..in fact she even kept trying to deny it existed.

Am I overreacting?? I'm her fucking daughter and I get that treatment yet someone she's known a few years and doesn't like gets more sympathy and compassion?? What the fucking hell?? I asked my mother awhile back why she never got upset or seemed to give a damn when it happened. Her response was "Well you didn't include me in it until it was just about over, what did I have to get upset about??" Oh gee let's see, maybe because of the fact that it was your granddaughter?!?!??! Isn't that enough of a reason?? Hell she had a sister who was stillborn years before she was born but she still mourns her and puts flowers on her grave.

I don't know whether to be angry or upset and hurt. I think I'll be upset and hurt and depressed. It takes less energy than anger.

Well here are my options on how to handle it around her:

1) I could tell her how I feel. Nope, I already did that once. She got all upset and said she was there for me and completely denied not trying to help me. Well at first she said "it wasn't my place." Then she said that she was there for me and tried to talk to me about it. Whatever. Sorry mom, my memory is a hell of a lot better than that. Besides my husband even remembers how she was. Not to mention she thinks I should "be over it by now". Her words, not mine.

2) I could blast her out for it. I already did that and it got me nowhere but seeing her come close to crying and completely denying it.

3) I could continue as I am doing and just pretend not to think she's doing anything wrong and just act all happy. I've been doing that for over 2 years. It's getting pretty easy faking being in a good mood around her. She claims to know me so well but has yet to even come close to figuring out that 90% of the time she sees me all smiles and in a good mood it's an act.

I feel like there are 2 me's. The me my parents, relatives and friends see. Where I am in a good mood, cheerful, chatty, making funny comments and making people laugh. The other me is the me only my husband, some people online, our cat, and the wall sees. That's the one where I'm depressed, quiet, and basically just stares at a wall while curled up on the bed. I have both of those personalities.

Sometimes the first me is an act and only my husband has been able to see thru it. Pretty sad I guess. I tried being the other way..or rather showing everyone that side of me. The depressed side..but that was when my mother called me a drama queen after attention. Of course now she asks a dozen questions and gets all upset. My father barely looks at me while I'm talking to him so he'd never notice. As for relatives, hardly any of them care about anything that doesn't concern them unless it's gossip. There are 3 who have seen how I am, but I don't see them hardly at all and I didn't show them how depressed I really am. As for my friends..they're too caught up in their own lives. I tried telling one friend but it was like I was talking to a wall. A lot of uncomfortable seconds and she'd change the subject to HER kid (the one she's never wanted) and what he's doing. Like I need or want to hear that.

I'm not saying I'm depressed all the time. Well...maybe a part of me is but I do have good and happy moments. It's just the thoughts of what I am depressed about (mostly the baby) are always there.

The only people I can really talk to are my husband and sometimes people online. Although most of the people online haven't been thru it and there's no way I can describe it so they understand and give it the justice it deserves. There's one girl I talk to who has been thru losing a baby. But it's not the same really. She has 2 kids so it's not really the same as I'm feeling. Not to downplay what happened to her, I'm just saying it's not completely the same. I know my husband and I will have another baby soon, probably even several. But it won't replace the one we lost. Also, knowing we WILL and knowing we ALMOST did have a baby doesn't stop me from being depressed NOW.

I think I just depressed myself further.

*Sighs*

Well, we're going to my parents' house later on..I better start putting together my act and happy face.