My parents are so oblivious to anything beneath the smile on the surface that I create. Jeff is confident he'd know if I was back in a depression..yeah well you haven't noticed yet. I've tried telling him but he doesn't believe me. I even told him about my Blockbuster stare. Again..didn't believe it was depression again. Also, no one online seems to have been overly concerned with my going from being online every day to like once a week.

My bank account is getting lower and lower. I'm down into the 900 range which I haven't been at since about a year and a half ago. Jeff keeps borrowing more and more money from me and spending his on things like cigarettes and books. He hasn't made any real attempt to pay me back. Our anniversary is coming up next week so what does he do?? Spends his money on food (some for me I'll have to admit), cigarettes and a book. Not one penny went on to his debt or any saved for our anniversary. No doubt I'll have to loan him money to get me an anniversary present. When he does buy me something lately, I'm having to loan him the money for it most of the time.

I think I've loaned him OVER 1,000 dollars since the beginning of the year. How depressing!! Now I don't mind loaning him money..I really don't..but when he gets money, spends it on other things and then I have to loan him money for cigarettes..I'm sorry..that bugs me. Also the fact that he whines about having to keep up with how much he owes me. All he has to do is add what he borrowed to the balance..how hard is that?? He says it depresses him to see how much he's borrowed. Yeah like me doing it in addition to having to give him all that money makes me feel real damn good. Then tonight he has the nerve to say it kinda feels like I was trying to gloat about how much money he owes me. Yeah right. Yeah I'm that sadistic. If that was the case I would want to see how much he owes me and then read it OUT LOUD. I don't think I'm asking for all that much. I don't put a time limit for when the money is due back, I don't charge interest and I keep lending him more money..and all I ask in return is that he pays it back when he can and add it to the balance when he borrows it?!?! Oh My God!! How could I be so fucking cruel?!?!!?

The bank is now saying I've been overdrawn a few times. Three to be exact. And now I'm out 50 dollars because of it. I wanted to go to the bank for insurance that I'd enough money there. But Jeff said to wait and I forgot. Also I'm lending him money so much and sometimes he uses the debit card when I ask him to use cash and it was his bright idea to wait until the end of the month to replace money I spend and that's what started getting me so low and unable to crawl back up as of yet. I personally think he should pay at least half..and he's paying 30. However I have to pay it until he pays me back. It annoys me a bit. I'll admit it is my account and my responsibility. But whenever Jeff forgets something and has to pay he always says "Well you should have reminded me..I think we should both have to pay." or something like that.

I wish I had more money and that Jeff did too. I don't want either of us to have to go out and get a job but at the same time I wish we could both get some more money. Interest in the jewerly we make is picking up and there are some shows which will definitely help...I hope.

Now here's another thing that just bugs the shit out of me. Well more like upsets me to the point of crying. Jeff has told lies, stolen money from me and has refused to give me credit sometimes for help I give for his stories..such as editing, suggesting the title or something to that effect. Well I keep trusting him..he begs for more chances..I give them. The thing is..it feels like he does not trust ME. Me now!! Me who gives him every penny I can..me who gets my mom to get him more cigarettes...me who tells him the truth 100% of the time..me who lets him look at other girls and compliments his driving and rides with him all the time while my mother complains about his driving. ME who will let him do anything he wants to my body without any hint of not trusting or having to watch.

Now why does he not trust me?? Good fucking question. He always jumps or something when I'm pretending like I'm going to smack him or tickle. He doesn't believe I won't until I promise up and down now to do it. And then he says "If you do it I'll know not to trust you."

Well just a little bit ago, I told him I was going to put lotion on his back and instead I put glue. Granted not the nicest thing to do. But I was a little annoyed with him over the money and plus I told him to tell lies about my body. It was a way for him to pretend to be Pinoccio. Everytime he says he's going to lie he always says my body is fat. Why can't he just say I'm skinny as hell or something. But tonight he used phrases like "Long fat legs" and "Your ass is just way way too big." Now granted I knew what he would say..I asked for it..but there were other things he could say. Like "Your legs are just so tanned." or "your ass is so tiny..I can barely see it." Why always go with the fat??

Anyways he said I said to trust me that I was putting lotion on his back. Well I did put some but I don't remember saying "Trust me." I may have, I don't know..but I don't remember saying it. Anyways he came out into the living room and said "You always get upset when it seems like I don't trust you..now you see why I don't."

Ummm okay..call me crazy but that sounds like an admission of not trusting me. Why he doesn't I don't know. I don't lie to him, I've never cheated on him nor have I ever violated his trust. So WHY does he not trust me?!?!!? It really hurts you know?? He gets upset when I sorta question whether or not I should trust him when he lies and steals and breaks promises but he's allowed to not trust me when I haven't done ANY of that?? What the fucking hell?!?!?!

He came out while I was writing this and said "I trust you with my life.." and said a couple other things he trusts me with. He says he just doesn't trust me with his ass which is where some of the glue got. Umm ok. Yeah that's not exactly what you said.

Well congrats hon..you've depressed me more..basically said I have a way too fat ass and that you do not trust me and made me feel like your human money machine. Thank you ever so much. But hey it's not just his fault. Many other people contributed.

Something tells me once I hand over the computer to him I'm going to go into the bedroom, curl up in a ball, face the wall and cry.