I'm on my 3rd can of soda trying to eat a can of chili beans I only half ass wanted that took forever to open with the damn can opener that I wouldn't doubt was trying to screw with me. Once I got it open the only bowl I could find was a tiny one that created sparks in the microwave and then I burned my damn finger trying to pick it up and transfer it to another bowl that I found. Now it's almost cold and I'm running out of crackers from the wrapper I opened earlier and I really don't want to open another. *sighs* Anyone got any cheese that can give me to go with my whine??

*Sighs*

Soap operas suck sometimes. I'm currently watching 3 lately. One goes so slow and repeats the same dialogue day after day. Two-three weeks real time equals about one day on that show. If that isn't bad enough it drifts from reality more often than a Looney Toons cartoon and the characters talk like they are in a really bad B movie from hell. Another soap I watch is killing off it's main characters for who knows what reason. It can't be for ratings because they are killing off characters that have been on for about 20+ years and people are threatening to stop watching the show. The other soap I watch is actually good but I don't know what the hell is going on and it's bugging me. They have a murder mystery which sometimes is good..usually the beginning of it and the ending when you find out who did it is good but in between sucks. So many wrong leads and false guilty faces. It gets more confusing by the day and my brain can only take so much.

It's official..I'm done with lunch. The chili beans now taste like they just came of the freezer and I'm full for the most part. Of course the question is what's made me full?? The chili beans or the 2 and a half cans of soda that has been swallowed. Eh who cares??

This entry really sucks and I lack the motorvation and interest to change it and write a more interesting entry. Maybe later I'll write another entry that won't sound like something that came out of a horse's ass.

I've been a downer lately according to Dec21 and he's right. I've been depressed lately with my mother being a pain and bitching for no reason, my father being his usual ignoring me unless he needs something personality, seeing babies left and right, including one that was my cousin's (he's even younger than me) newborn. Like I really needed to see that. It didn't help that last night while I had a candle lit and put it next to the computer the damn thing fell. Don't worry no wax got into the computer. Just all over my shirt and pants. Here's the really funny part..no one noticed!! How could that happen?? How could someone sit in a room with 2 other people and spill hot wax on them and NO ONE notices??!! Should I take offense??

I just feel so depressed lately. Dec21 has been trying like crazy to cheer me up. He took me out to our favorite resturant last night, took me to Wal-Mart (a place I love and he hates) and bought me a DVD and put some things on layaway for Christmas. I feel cheered up every now and then but it doesn't last long. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know the various things I'm depressed about if that helps any.

Other than what I've already mentioned, a stray cat that used to come around all the time is missing. She was such a sweetie and her owners didn't appreciate her and made her stay outside all the time even in the freezing cold, snow and rain. I felt so bad for her. I was SO tempted to "adopt" her. Now part of me wishes I had done more for her. I fed her, talked to her, petted her, played with her, bought her tuna and did whatever I could for her. Some neighborhood kids were mean to her which is maybe why she came here and always seemed to be looking for protection. It's been about 2 months and I have no idea where she is. I hope she's still alive and being treated better. My mother thinks she died. Great way to cheer me up huh?? I wish I knew where she was. Not knowing is driving me crazy. She looks so much like Oscar and is the same age and I've always thought maybe they were brother/sister. When I first saw her she reminded me of a tiger lilly flower so I called her "Tiger Lilly". She seemed to like it and did respond to it. Damn I miss her.

Another thing is about a kid I taught in preschool. She was 5 years old and she died a couple months after she graduated preschool. I got attached to her and would usually give up my lunch period and be late for my Chemistry class just so I could stay with her every day and she wouldn't have to be alone while waiting for her mother to come pick her up. She was a sweet kid and always wanted me to play basketball with her. I pretended I didn't know how to play and that she would need to teach me how. She got a huge kick out of that.

I don't want to go into the details of how she died..partly because it still pisses me off to this day how she died. Let's just say it could have SO easily been prevented.

I took her death really hard when I found out. I found out my first day back in school that fall. As I was getting ready to leave my first class a girl who taught preschool with me came up to me and asked if I had heard about her. I said "No what??" and she said "She died." I was like WHAT??!?!!? I couldn't believe it. She was just 5 years old and in perfect health!! I don't remember if I found out the details then or when I went to Child Care where we held the preschool. But for the next hour and a half before I could go to Child Care I sat in my 2nd class so numb. How could she have died?? She was just 5 years old and had so much life ahead of her. This didn't make sense. This was all I could think about. I remember rushing to the Child Care room to see if this was true. I knew the girl who told me and she was a reliable source but surely she could have been mistaken, maybe it was some other girl with the same name.

Unfortunately it was true. The head of the Child Care gave us copies of the girl's obituary. Seeing that made it more real than I wanted it to be. I read it over and over and over again. We all talked about it for awhile..heard every single detail of how it happened. We heard how she was on life support for 2 weeks...she never really had a chance. Also how it was a month after her death..I never had a chance to go to her funeral or say good bye.

Now I think about this little girl around the time of her birthday and when I hear her name. The other day at the crafts' fair we were doing her mother was there. This woman pisses me off. She was a pain in more ways than one and was constantly late dropping her daughter off and late picking her up. The mother was there with her new younger boyfriend or husband. She was within eyesight for about an hour and spent about 20-30 minutes where we were talking and everything. I so badly wanted to tell her off. I hold her partly responsible for that little girl's death. The little girl fell from somewhere because no one was watching..not even her mother. Apparently no one seemed to mind her going up to this high point even though she was just 5 years old. Yet from what I remember the mother tried to sue the place this happened because the people who ran this place wasn't watching HER daughter closer. EXCUSE ME?!?!? It's not their damn job!!

I told Dec21 and my mother that if that woman bought ANYTHING from us I did not want a dime of it. If she did manage to get any money from that place or whatever it would be blood money and I refuse to take any money whatsoever from that woman when she holds a majority of the blame in that little girl's death.

Seeing that woman brought it all back. I was remembering playing with the girl, her smile, her little dresses that looked like something from "Gone With The Wind", the last time I saw her at the preschool graduation, how her mother was even late to that and I had to take the little girl and get her ready real quick so she wouldn't miss it and the pain and shock I felt when I heard she was dead and reading the obituary over and over and over again. Now I can't seem to get that little girl and what happened to her out of my head. I feel so sad and angry over what happened to her I just want to scream. She's supposed to be 13 next month..not in the ground.

Well I have not thoroughly depressed myself even more thank me very much. I know if I don't snap out of this before November I'm going to be an unbearable wreck next month. November is always such a hard month for me because of the baby and how she was due in November, and add that to how depressed I am now..oh jeez even I don't think I'll be able to tolerate myself.