It's now official. I am starting to NOT like the counselor. For 6 months that woman did NOT piss me off or upset me. But on Thursday, November 21, 2002..she did..several times.

My opinion of counselors weren't very high to begin with. My guidance counselor in high school was a joke. He tried pushing a bunch of stupid classes on me, half paid attention and anything I said to him was told to my mother. I had also seen tv shows and movies where counselors weren't exactly shown in the best way. Also I used to be of the opinion that it's hard to just sit there and tell things to a complete stranger that most people in your life don't even know. I've also seen people cry while in counseling and I do my best to avoid crying in front of anyone other than my husband.

With those things in my mind I went to the counselor anyways. She made a comment that bothered me slightly when I first talked to her on the phone before meeting her in person. She had called and I started telling her why I was needing a counselor and what all was going on. I also mentioned how nervous I was and how I wasn't sure I could just talk a whole lot to make the sessions worth it. Her response was "Well..I don't think you're going to have ANY problem talking." And what does that mean?? Are you implying I'm talking too much?!?! You're a counselor, I'm supposed to talk a lot aren't I?? Not to mention the tone she used just sounded so valley girlish.

The first session went great. She seemed really nice and she talked about herself a bit as well. For months I kept going about every 2-3 weeks. It was still going well. She even said I was making improvements and that I was actually making me feel better. Then Thursday came.

To start with she came out and she had this look. The look that a principal gives you after you've done something wrong and the only way you're going to get out of trouble is to invent a time machine. I told her that look she gave had me worried a bit. She explained that she was on the phone with an insurance company. Oh great..those always annoy her and she's choosing to call them and get annoyed just before she talks to me?!?!

Well my husband walked back with me. Sometimes he goes with me to the sessions. It usually helps me and sometimes he wants to talk to her too. Just about everytime, since she moved we have sat across from each other in the chairs. I like the rocking chair, I'm used to the rocking chair, and there's only one chair on that side and 2 on the other. Not to mention the chair next to the one that my husband sat in was about 6 inches away from the counselor. Call me crazy but that just didn't work for me. Well she said "Oh, you two are going to sit across from each other today." Umm yeah..we have many times before. She acted like we had just had a fight and was trying to avoid each other. Yeah sure, we're trying to avoid each other, that's why we were sitting right next to each other in the waiting room and we both came back together to talk to you. Jeez.

The counselor said a few nice things, how I was doing better and deserved a pat on the back. Why couldn't she have just stopped there?? She acted like it was a bad thing that my husband and I spend a lot of time on the computer. Hello woman!! I WORK on the computer..you know that!! She said "Well make sure it's not the ONLY thing you do." She should have known already that we don't spend ALL of our time on the computer. After all, how could we if we were coming to see her a couple times a month?? Also, if we spent all the time on the computer, how the hell did I get pregnant??

Did she stop there?? Nope. She then tried to push us to go sign up at a recreation center. The one my father appears to be obsessed with and spends hours a day at. We've both said we want to sign up there, we just haven't done it yet. Well she had this look like "DUH!!" and said "Well, what else have you got to do all day??" Well let's see woman, what else do YOU do all day but sit on your ass, while people hand you money so you will listen to them spill their guts?? She made a couple comments saying we had ALL this free time in the world. Yeah sure woman..how nice of you to think you know everything about how we spend each second when you spend just a couple hours a month with us.

She also asked about the depression. I mentioned to her that November was a hard month for me. She already knew that though. I told her how much harder November is than the other months and how I wish November was a month that didn't come every year. I also said that I would probably be a little better in December. She gave this look like someone just told her that Santa Claus was outside turning the grass pink. Her eyes looked at me like she thought I was crazy. She then said "Well it sounds like your depression is getting better." Umm sure if you say so. She also pointed out that just by not being upset about the baby doesn't mean I'm completely over her death. Okay I will agree with that..BUT..she went on to say how it was a memory and didn't have to let go. Excuse me woman..my daughter is MORE than just a damn memory. Am I crazy to take offense to her saying that??

Now for some reason this counselor also made a big deal about me not drinking water. I told her what I usually drink every day and she gave this look like I just told her I eat a gallon of ice cream a day. Then she said "What about water??" I told her I used to drink water sometimes but I don't now. My husband pointed out to her that we rub off on each other a lot like our habits and things we do. For example if one of us drinks soda, the other one usually will. The only exception to that is my husband doesn't drink iced tea. Her reaction to what was "Well do you have to do EVERYTHING that he does??" Who says I do?? Don't people who spend a lot of time with each other rub off on one another and catch on to things the other one does?? Is that such a bad thing to do?!!? Jeez woman, get a life!!

I did get some good news from her. I don't have to go back until December 17th and it MIGHT be the last time I have to go to her. Yay!! First I start going down on the paxil, then I hear I can go off the birth control pills and get on the prenatal vitamins, now I hear I'm about done with the counseling. Kewl!!

Here's a problem though. I can admit I'm over the anxiety disorder part, but I don't think I'm anywhere near as over with the depression. But I don't want to go to counseling as much as I used to anymore and I want to be off the paxil. Also I want us to be able to try for a baby soon. But if I tell her I'm still very much in the depression I'll have to keep coming to her and maybe even staying on the paxil. I don't think so!! So what do I do?? Do I tell her the truth?? I don't want to. Not to mention I found out recently that everything I tell her she tells my doctor. So much for patient confidentiality. Although I hate the thought of handing this woman money and then faking being over the depression like I do to my parents. I'm also not really thrilled at the idea of getting more of those looks from her. Also..considering how depressed I am about it and how I hate November and she knows all this, and she says it sounds like I'm doing better..should I take that as she's not really listening anymore??

I'll never be not upset and depressed about our little girl. As for being in a depression, I think that'll pass on it's own eventually..at least I hope so. Some people have told me that you stay depressed about it until you have a successful pregnancy and you hold your first healthy baby in your arms.

I think I'll just do to her what I've been doing to my parents. Pretend I'm getting over the depression and that I'm okay about what happened to the baby, and just tell my real feelings about it to my husband, my friends online and this journal. It's just easier that way.