I think my ankle is getting screwed up again. About 10 and a half years ago I tore ligaments in my right ankle. I wore a cast for a few weeks and it eventually healed on it's own. Well last year I twisted it really badly. My entire foot and half my leg was swollen and bruised all over. My toes were even bruised. Cute trick huh?? I went to the doctor and he said I tore the ligaments again. Goody goody..just want I wanted to hear from him. However, he did say they weren't torn as badly as before. I was told to rest some and it would take a little while to heal. I THOUGHT it had. However I've been twisting my ankle a lot lately. I have twisted it 4 times in the last 5 and a half months. I twisted it twice in a 24 hour period. The last time was yesterday. I was just standing outside waiting for my husband to unlock a door, and bam my ankle just twisted. It hurt too and surprised the hell out of me. So what the hell is wrong with my ankle?? Is it getting messed up again or am I just having a bit of bad luck with it?? I DO NOT want to go back to the doctor. He's a wee bit surgery happy. Although, I'm starting to get worried about walking a whole lot in fear of twisting my ankle. I haven't broken either of my ankles and I'm really worried I'm going to one of these times.

I lost a ring that my husband gave me on our first anniversary of being married. That depresses the hell out of me. It was a gold ring with a dolphin across it. I'm desperate to find that ring.

I've lost the Christmas spirit. I am trying to get it back though. I miss the baby. She would be starting to get into Christmas and enjoying it. I honestly can't think of many things I want for Christmas this year. I want my husband of course, and for everyone I care about to be healthy and safe. But as for material things...they're just not interesting me much this year. Maybe it's because of the baby or maybe I've just not being as selfish as I know I once was. I used to think of Christmas as giving presents and receiving them. I thought of it as an opportunity to get a few things I wanted and to give a few things other people wanted. Now..I'd rather make everyone else happy for Christmas and not really think of me right now.

I've never really thought of myself as being selfish. Although I have had selfish moments. Last year my mother asked me to list things I wanted. I did. I didn't expect all of them, they were just a list of things. Well last night she started bitching because I hadn't told her anything I wanted. Well I told her I couldn't really thank of any material things I wanted. She got all mad and said "Fine then you take your chances of getting whatever I think you need." She went on and on about it. I said "Well last year you said I was selfish when I told you what I wanted." Well she goes on and tries to defend what she said. Then she gets even more mad and says "Forget it, I'm not arguing with you..I'll just get whatever." So again..I can't win with her. I told her this that I can never win with her. Her response was "Well to win you have to try." EXCUSE ME?!?!?! I have been trying for 23 fucking years!! This is proof that nothing I do pleases her and she doesn't even notice my effots. So I say..fine..fuck it. I am done trying to please her. Okay that's not exactly true. I want to make her proud of me..or for her to say I am. My husband says I should just give up trying. He's right..my mind knows he's right..but this little girl inside me wants desperately for her mother to be proud of her and accept her for who she is can't stop trying.

I read an article yesterday that said some infection can increase the risk of miscarriage if it's not treated. The article also said that it's to blame for miscarriages between 13th-16th week. Interesting concisdense that is when I started losing the baby and a lot of the symptoms are symptoms I had as well. So that's got me more depressed thinking I may have had an infection and because I didn't get it treated is why we lost the baby. I found out a month before we lost the baby that I had a bladder infection and I did what I was told to do to take care of it. I read in that article that bladder and/or urine infections can be caused by this infection. So now I'm wondering if it was my fault we lost the baby. I think about that almost every day and wonder what I could have done to save the baby. I don't know if it was my fault or not. I don't even really know what caused my daughter's death. I do know that not knowing sucks. If I could know for sure, it would help. On the other hand if I did find out it was my fault in some way I'd probably feel worse. There's no way to win there.

My friend with the jerk husband and son who was born when I was pregnant with our daughter is still being a bitch. I'm not sure how much more of her I can stand. Lately she has gotten very stuck up, gotten really into money, never lets anyone really talk besides herself, never really asks about how I am doing and just LOVES to say that I "don't have kids and don't know" this or that about taking care of kids. and In the past month before the other day she had called twice. The first time was for info she wanted to put on job applications. The next phone call came when she was talking about possible jobs she had interviews for and was thinking of taking.

After that last phone call it was a few weeks before I heard from her. The other day I signed off the computer and checked voice mail. The message was basically that she needed me to call her as soon as possible, it was important. She also pointed out that she needed a phone number. *Sighs* Of course..she needs something. It was against my better judgement to call her back but I did. What do you know?? I was right..I shouldn't have called her.

She unleashed tons of statements that were probably lies such as that even though her husband is in the navy, he's making several thousand dollars a month, they don't pay taxes and that they have more money than they know what to do with. Yeah whatever..that's why she's getting a job to pay for something right?? I remember just 2 years ago that money was SO tight she wasn't able to get her mother anything for Christmas. Her husband was in the navy then too yet seems to be getting tons of money. Whatever!! The phone number she wanted would have taken her about 2 seconds to find herself.

I found out just how little she pays attention to what I say. During the rather long conversation that was on OUR phone bill..while I got a couple words in, the topic somehow got turned into the subject of depression. Now when I got diagnosed back in May, I told her everything in detail. I told her I was in a depression, I had an anxiety disorder, I was very stressed, what brought it all on and even showed her what kind of medicine I was on. She said that if you are in a depression, don't just lie there and say "Oh I'm depressed." but that you should just get up and do something you like. She made comments like that about people in a depression. I'm sitting there thinking "Uh huh..yeah okay..you don't know the first thing about depression you bitch." I asked her if she knew anyone who was in a depression. Her response was "Oh there's a lot of that around here." I then mentioned if she actually KNEW anyone in a depression or any kind of anxiety disorder or anything like that. She said "Well no..a distant relative maybe. She's really mental." I was really starting to get annoyed. Then I said "What about any friends of yours??" She said "Umm..no." That got me upset but it got worse. She then said "What is it you have?? You're afraid to go out and see people??" GRRRRRRRRRR That did it!! That proved to me right there that she doesn't pay attention to what I say and I'm questioning if she even gives a damn. I told her that's not what it was. I told her very general things. I figured I had already explained it to her before..and the fact that I'm allegedly her best friend and she didn't remember anything about it, or even ask anything about it in the past 7 months she didn't deserve to know.

I am SO tired of dealing with people who are SO self involved that unless something is happening to them, it's not worth bothering with. I'm tired of putting on a happy, good mood act in front of my parents. I'm tired of trying to make them proud of me and failing. I'm tired of taking the paxil. I'm tired of those damn birth control pills. I'm tired of going to the doctor every few weeks. I'm tired of having panic attacks. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being tired.

I wish my husband was awake. He's good at cheering me up usually.