Reflecting back on my last entry about my being paranoid I'm reminded of the phrase "Paranoia will destroy ya." I often wonder if that phrase is true. My potential paranoid side got the better of me today.

My husband and I were on our way to visit my parents and I got worried about how he breathes sometimes. Sometimes he breathes hard and kind of whistles a little. It only happens in the winter when he has a three month long, off and on cold. I've been told by numerous people that considering his smoking and lack of exercise it is completely normal and to be expected. My brain knows they're right but I worry about it anyways. I asked a few questions and a couple I asked more than once, mostly for reassurance.

Well...the questions and a combination of him not doing well in a game he had been playing earlier got him upset and we had a fight. Not to mention my occasional bad temper got the better of me and I turned the fight into a yelling match. The fight continued as we got to my parents' house. Neither of them were home. Maybe if they had the fight would have stopped right there. We both walked into my parents' house still yelling. We both yelled..I cried..he went quiet and started watching TV hoping I'd let it go. Well...stupid over here..(namely me) didn't. The fight kept going for at least 20 minutes. Ten of those minutes was spent outside yelling and debating about whether or not I was staying and he was going home or vice versa. Finally we both went inside the house. I got on the computer and he went back to watching TV. I wasn't sure if I was more upset or mad. I was SO mad by the time we went back inside the house that I could have hit a wall and knocked a hole thru it.

Not even a full five minutes later my mother comes in. As she walked in I was like "Oh great..perfect..just what I need." My eyes were red and full of tears. My face is red and wet and my nose looks like I was trying to do an impression of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. My mother went into the kitchen so I took that chance to quickly excuse myself into the bathroom. I considered putting make up on to cover up the fact that I had been crying. The only stuff my mother had in there that could be considered make up was perfume, lotion and white powder. Out of desperation I tried the white powder only to look like I just had a visit with a mortician and was ready for my funeral so everyone could stare and say that I had too much make up on. Well I washed it off and I did my best to make my face look like it hadn't been crying. I hoped as I walked back out that if she saw my face she wouldn't automaticly guess I had been crying.

I walked back out there and started sniffing and got my voice to sound kind of deep and hoarse and I told my mother I had a cold. She believed it without question. It was either that or push my hair over my eyes for a couple hours. She then looked at me and said I looked horribly sick. Gee, I guess I was giving a better performance than I thought. Or maybe I should take offense that she said that?? I don't think I looked THAT bad. Maybe my face decided to put on a performance of it's own without telling me in advance.

I got back on her computer to check my e-mail and she suggested giving me some medicine. I told her I had already taken medicine a couple hours ago. A flat out lie I realize but what should I have said?? "No thanks mom, yeah I'm sick but I don't want any medicine. I like being sick." I guess I could have said I've joined a new religion and it's against this religion to take medicine of any kind. She said she was going to give me some more medicine anyways. I wondered briefly about what to do. I didn't figure it was a good idea taking medicine for a cold I didn't even have. I didn't have to wonder long because I decided to do a little trick I've pulled numerous times over when I didn't want to take a pill for whatever reason. She handed me a cold pill and some orange juice. I waited until she left the room and slid the pill into my bra where it is currently at. It's probably wondering why it's there and how long it'll remain there. Actually it's first wonder was "Hey..I know we pills don't get much respect but this is ridiculous."

As of now my husband and I haven't "officially" made up but we've kissed and talked a bit. It's kind of hard to make up from a fight with my mother just a few feet away when she doesn't know there was a fight to begin with. Just about every fight we've had usually gets resolved when one of us swallows our pride and says they are sorry and we talk a bit about it and work it out. Usually a long cuddle occurs right afterwards. I've considered going to him and apologizing. I think I might. He probably won't apologize until we get home by the earliest and I really don't want to wait that long. I guess it's too much to hope that we will both look at each other and say the words "I'm sorry." at the exact same moment.

So was my paranoia to blame for the fight?? I think partly. Will my paranoia destroy me?? I doubt it. I think I'm getting better about controlling it. It's just that..I get SO worried about something or some things every now and then and my mind wanders. I hate being paranoid sometimes. It's like a disease that starts out small and at first you don't realize it's there. Then it keeps getting worse and worse until it becomes a part of you for awhile. You don't remember exactly how you were before it started and you're unsure of how or when you'll get back to the way you were. And like most diseases you can't get beat it alone.

Do I need to see a counselor?? I really don't know. I've thought at various times both yes and no. Maybe this journal is part of my counseling. In some ways I feel it is and in a lot of ways I feel it helps me to have this. I'm more comfortable about opening up and saying what's on my mind than I ever would with a total stranger glaring at me while glancing at his watch wondering when the hour is up.

I worried a bit when I first started this journal if I was going to be able to stick with it and keep writing it on a regular basis but the more I write it the more determined I find myself to keep it and write in it as much as possible. This is going to sound corny but I actually feel better after writing this entry. Well that saved me 100 dollars an hour. :))