One idea was to mention that I was watching "The Crow" on DVD. The best movie of all time in my opinion, and a big reason why I wanted a DVD player. I could dedicate an entire set of entries to that movie, discussing all the things I love about it.

Moving on..I also considered starting this on my step-grandmother. My parents went to my step-grandmother's, me and my husband didn't. I kind of feel bad about that but as I've pointed out, I had reasons. My step-grandmother sent some coins back with my parents to give to me. My grandfather collected coins and I do too. I don't care their worth. I like all the different kinds and seeing them and such. I think my step-grandmother got these though herself. Mostly because the date on the coins is several years after my grandfather died.

All my grandparents were dead by the time I was 7. I never knew my mother's mother. My father's mother I have a few vivid memories of. My grandfathers...well I know what they look like..but I don't remember their voices. They died before I started school. I hear things about them and I can kind of remember being in the same room with my father's father, but I just can't remember either of their voices or them saying anything to me. I know they did..but I just don't remember it.

Growing up, I would sometimes be a little jealous of my friends who still had grandparents and never really realized how lucky they were. I remember in 8th grade we had to do a family tree and discuss where our ancestors came from. My parents had never asked them so I told my teacher this. Her response?? She told me that when it came time to do my presentation to stand up, tell what I do know about them and tell everyone why I don't know a lot. In other words tell the whole class I don't know hardly anything about my ancestors other than they existed and some of them at one time in history decided to live in the United States. And tell them I don't know more because my grandparents were dead. Very sympathetic teacher indeed. So my mother looked up on the computer the origin of her mother's maiden name, made up a few pieces of info, I read it to the class, pointed to a map, said my grandparents were dead and sat back down. I think my presenation was the shortest of everyone in the class. I don't remember my grade, but since my teacher was a word that rhymes with witch, I'm guessing it wasn't that high.

My mother gave me a picture frame with several very rare coins inside the frame a few months ago. It belonged to my grandfather. He bought the coins, bought the frame and set up the coins inside the frame. I look at it sometimes and every now and then I'm tempted to open the frame, take out the coins and look at them. But I don't. It would just seem weird doing that after he was the one who put it together and I could never get it as nicely arranged as he did. The first night I had it I held it and cried a little. It felt like a reminder of what I've spent most of my life missing. A grandfather I barely had, and memories of him that are really only flashes of images with no noise.

I've thought of asking questions and sometimes I do. But I've wondered who do I ask these questions. My mother's subconscious only allows her to remember the good things about her parents, and conviently blocking out the bad moments. My father would do his usual "Talk to your mother" line that he always gives me when I try to talk to him about anything serious. My uncle would probably be the same as my mother. My step-grandmother would probably be an obvious choice but thru no one's fault really I don't know how to talk to her. Growing up I always talked to her a little at family gatherings and she would talk to me as a child, which of course I was. But since I became an adult me and her don't really talk much. My parents don't either but they've had the luxury of talking to her as an adult and having adult conversations and knowing how to start them. And when you only see a person 1-2 times a year if that, how do you make the transistion to adult conversation without it sounding too strange or sudden??

With every person that I know of who has died in my lifetime, I have had a couple regrets. For my grandfathers, it was not remembering more about them that I probably should. Even though they both died when I was 2 years old. I have a good memory and I can remember almost everything, why can't I remember them?? For my father's mother..I regret never calling her "grandma" or treating her like a grandmother. I always called her by her name. She never minded or at least never appeared to but I still regret it. She would stay with us a couple months at a time after my grandfather's death, and would go home for a week or so then come back and stay some more. Whenever I got hurt, or was upset, or whatever, I would always sneak off and run to our elderly neighbor, who was like a grandmother in everyway but biologically. For my father's mother I also regret not going to her funeral. My parents encouraged me not to, saying that it would be better if I went to a friend's house and just played all day and not worried about it. With one of my best friend's father, I regret not really knowing him the way my friend did. I knew him as well as I could I guess, but since her father's death I've found out things about him I never knew or would have guessed. With my step-grandmother's mother, I regret not realizing how truly special a person she was and not telling her so. I knew the woman was sweet as pie and I loved her, but I didn't realize the full potential of that sweetness until after her death. For my elderly neighbor who was like a grandmother, I regret 2 things. She spent 4 months slowly dying a few years ago. We all helped take care of her. Some nights me and my husband would stay with her. The day before her death we went to go see her in the hospital. There were other people there. Well..I had wanted a couple minutes alone with her. I knew there was a good chance this would be the last time I would see her alive. I didn't want anyone else in the room when I had those 2 minutes. There were things I wanted to tell her that I really wanted to tell her. Throughout the entire visit I kept thinking to myself "Ask for those few minutes alone." I had had moments alone with her during those 4 months but this was different. This was going to be the last private talk I was ever going to have with her. Things I had planned to say, that I hadn't said all this time. Reminding her that I loved her and I would never forget her. How much I was going to miss her. How I was so sorry for all the bad things I had done and how I knew I was a pain growing up and how I wish I hadn't. That I considered her my "Granny" and that she was one of the most important people in my life and always would be and so much more.

At one point..my husband was outside, me and a friend were inside the room with her..just the 3 of us. I didn't say anything. Then a few minutes later more people starting coming in and I lost my nerve. We left the hospital, unsure of what was going to happen next. Then less than 24 hours later, she was gone, and I never got those few minutes. I never got to say those things. I believe she probably knew those things but I wanted to say them to her and to see her face when she heard them, and to know that she knew without a doubt those things.

Another thing I regret about her is that I didn't go to her funeral. I went to the wake. I had planned to go to the funeral, but I couldn't make myself go.

With my child that I lost, I regret not holding her. I regret never meeting her and looking into her eyes. I regret not being able to tell her I loved her and to spend at least some time with her and have those memories.

This entry certaintly got more emotional than I had planned for it to. Sometimes I just start typing what comes into my head, or I'll think of a certain subject and just start writing all my thoughts on that subject. Is that a good thing?? Maybe..for a journal it is. :))