My mother is a great example. With the baby I lost 4 years ago is a good one..but I've already discussed that. Tonight she did it again though!! During the episode of "ER" I am being forced to endure by either watching or listening to..(since my father is in the den, nothing to do in the bedroom really and Jennifer is already in bed..my choices are quite limited) and Carter's baby is dead and it'll have to be delivered stillborn. My mother said "Isn't that awful??" Strange huh?? Those 3 words is actually a hell of a lot more than I got and this is a fucking tv show!!

Last night at Kroger...Jeff bought a 4 dollar card...actually he borrowed the money to buy it for me..but anyways. I want to buy a ONE dollar card for Rhonda & Hope and my mother raises hell that I shouldn't waste money..how it's stupid to buy so much..blah blah blah. Okay so Jeff buys a FOUR dollar card and no problem...and I want to buy a ONE dollar card and bam I get fussed on?? What the hell??!! Also my mother was surprised, as was I that Jeff didn't want to buy his mom a card and she also hinted for Jeff to buy her a card. Meanwhile I'm buying her a damn card and my mother comes to me and says "How about instead of buying this why don't you just let me read it and you can make me one or send me one online??" Ummm..what?!?!? That made no sense. So you want to buy cards for Wilma Jean who is a stepmother...you want Jeff to buy you and his mother a mother's day card..you don't object to Jeff buying me a mother's day card...yet you DO object to ME buying you one?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!?!?!?

Oh and then this gets really good. Jeff doesn't even have to pay my mother back for the card!!!! Nope he gets to work it off for her!! Well isn't that just swwwwwwwwell??? Meanwhile I buy a THREE dollar nail polish which produces a "what the hell were you thinking??" look from my mother. Yet for the record, she didn't bat an eyelash when Jeff wanted to spend 4 dollars (more than 3) on a card. I ask if she'd let me work off the money spent on the nail polish..since she was being so damn generous. Her answer "HELL NO!!" She also said when I wanted to buy a 99 cent card "Well you'll have to pay for it yourself!!"

Tonight when it was briefly mentioned..she implied because even though Jeff and I divide our money equally and he spends his on cigarettes and other stuff..but I save MOST of mine that I should have to pay in cash for anything and he should get it free or "work it off". What a bunch of bullshit. In my opinion that's like rewarding the bad behaved child but punished the good behaved child. Or maybe praising the child who made all D's but not saying a word to the kid who got all A's.

My father hasn't been too bad lately. Although I will admit he as well as my mother seem to think I'm this special ed child who can't do anything. He wanted me to tell my mother to make him a salad and hopefully have it ready when he got home. I offered to make it for him and his response: "Well....she can do it." Umm what's wrong with me?!?!?!

He hasn't been hypocritical really..well sorta. The salad thing he did too. He wanted a salad yesterday and I offered to make it for him and he said "No that's okay..your mom can or I will." Ummm...HELLO!! What am I?? Some kind of leper?? He let me make him a salad today but that was after I moaned and groaned about it last night. Probably doing it out of guilt. He CLAAAIMED it was a lot of work to do and didn't think I'd want to do all that. What a crock of shit. He says that was too much to do yet he doesn't mind usually playfully asking me to pick up the damn remote control when it falls 2 inches from his feet.

Am I some special ed leper invalid that can't do anything that no one wants to get too close to or let do anything?!?! I mean come on..what the hell is it?? They are all doing it to some degree. I don't get it. I really don't.

Oh and Stacey. Now I really like Stacey...but just about everytime I put up the away message that says I'm NOT in the mood to chat..she messages!! Usually to ask if everything is okay..but still..if I say I don't want to chat that's usually what it means. It's not like I put up that away message as a contest to see who can message first so I can spill my guts to the winner.

Oh and this episode of "ER". You would think someone who knows what I have been thru..and how much I am still hurting over losing not one but TWO babies would know I do NOT want to see or hear this episode. Yet Jeff wants to watch it..and my mother is now watching it. I am forced to listen. Jeff asked if I wanted to go home in the middle of the episode but I doubt he really wanted to..he wants to see this fucking episode. If he was really concerned with my feelings on it..which I don't think he has even realized..he would NOT want me to go thru this. Not to mention seeing that Carter and his girlfriend get to HOLD their baby..doesn't help.

My mother just said "Okay enough of that." after the episode just ended now. Yeah mom..imagine how horrible it must be to actually go thru losing a child..oh wait..I have!! TWICE!!! Once was even 4 years ago THIS month which happened to be the worst month of my life!! But why should that matter any??

Better yet..why should I or my feelings matter any??