Hey I just thought of something to write about. My mother the hypocrite. First of all, let me just say that yes I know that spelling of hypocrite looks messed up but I personally looked it up in the dictionary so I KNOW it's right. If it's not..then I'd say we have a first...a legit complaint about Webster's Dictionary.

Anyways...back to the hypocrite..I mean my mother. A couple days ago she called herself "Granny" while she was getting ready to go out with Dec21 and me. Now naturally this got me wondering. Dec21 and I don't have kids yet. We have Oscar..and my mother doesn't say she's his grandmother but it still made me wonder. I asked her why she said that. Her response was "Well I'm old enough to be one." EXCUSE ME?!?!?!!? My mother used to bitch that she was TOO young to be a grandmother and gets all upset at the idea of Dec21 and me having a baby and now she says this?!?! What the hell??

If that wasn't bad enough..later on we're walking in a parking lot with her and she starts talking about our hair. Strange topic I realize, but hey that's what she chose to talk about. She then says that our children will definitly have beautiful hair. Okay excuse me for a moment..but who is this woman!?!? Where is my real mother?!?!? Just a week ago she was bitching at me and saying how I was torturing her at telling her there was a chance I was pregnant now she's calling herself "Granny" and talking about our future children?? She gets pissed off if anyone else hints that they think we should have a baby right now. She says we should tell them to mind their own damn business. Maybe..it is rather an annoying question. I don't think she's "changed her mind" or "seen the light". My mother doesn't work that way. She's made comments about when Dec21 and I have kids before..she just hasn't made several in such a short period of time. Is she trying to torture me knowing I'm still depressed over the baby we lost??

My mother talked about that woman she works with who lost a baby a few months ago. The one my mother felt SO bad for yet couldn't give me an "I'm sorry" when I lost our baby. Well she was mentioning all these things that people she knows at work has gone thru over the passed year. She said "(That woman's name) has..well.." then moved on to someone else. It's like she thinks the words "lost a baby" or "miscarriage" are curse words or something.

*Sighs*

I can't figure out my mother. I thought I had her all figured out while I was growing up. I'm quickly finding out that I don't know her as well as I thought. How does that happen?? Well I have a guess how it happened. I'm finding out more about her as a person than just as my mother. I wonder what I would think of her if she wasn't my mother and I met her today. I'd like to think I would like her. As a mother...she has good and bad moments..both of which I hold on to. I hold on to the good because who doesn't want to remember good moments with their mother?? As for the bad..I hold on to them to remind myself of what she's done and said so I know to not do that when we have kids.

This is going to sound scary and I will probably sound like a horrible person but..I'm scared to let my mother thru the doors of the wall I have built around me. It has several doors that if someone has to find a way to open them if they want get to know me more...if that makes sense and I'm doubting it does. Only one person has been able to get thru every door and that's Dec21. It wasn't easy. He knew I had this wall from the day he met me and as he put it he "fought like crazy to get thru".

My mother has gotten thru several doors but I can't bare to let her in all of them. I don't think she'd like what she would see. It's like she's gotten thru over half of the doors but when she comes to the one where more of the real me is at..there's a fake door and what she thinks she sees and knows isn't me. She thinks I'm in a good mood almost all the time, I'm not depressed and all my anxiety problems are a ploy for attention or exaggerated and can be fixed with just a little medicine. She also seems to underestimate me on a regular basis. Like if something needs fixed or opened or something like that..Dec21 or my father or both will try it and I'll ask if I can do it and she'll say "Forget it..if they can't do it, you can't." I've since proven a few times that isn't ALWAYS true.

The real me..the me my mother doesn't know but has only seen a glimpse of a couple times..IS depressed..didn't make up this anxiety disorder with the hopes of getting a lot of attention with it, is more aware of what is going on than she realizes and isn't in a good mood most of the time. The glimpses of the real me she has seen she hates. She'll say I'm just trying to prove a point, or that I need to throw a fit every now and then. I was also accused of scaring her once or twice when she saw the real me. That's comforting huh??

If I told my mother that the me she sees is only a part of who I am and there is a much bigger side to me she'd say I was lying. A few days ago there was a show on tv about people who were gay. I've heard that everyone in their lives at least once has had a homosexual thought or wondered if they were gay. With that in mind, I thought it was okay to tell my mother this. Dec21 told her during the show of his brief moment of wondering, so naturally I thought "Okay why not??" Besides, when Dec21 was telling her about his brief moment she didn't have a problem with it. So I told her. I told her when I was a teenager, before I met Dec21 I wondered if maybe I was gay. Her response?? She laughed and said "You did not!!" It took me a few minutes of convincing her while she kept denying it. Then she said "All right all right..well it sounds like you got it out of your system RIGHT??" I sort of teasing, sort of serious told Dec21 that if I was gay my mother would disown me. Her response was that wasn't true..to which I said "Oh really?? What would you do??" She paused for a minute and said "What difference does it make?? You're not so there's no point in talking about it." There's my answer right there. She would either disown me or send me to a shrink to have it taken out of my system.

*Sighs*

What happened to unconditonal love huh?? You know..my mother would deny this, but every now and then I've wondered if she's homophobic. I'm hoping she's not but who knows?? She says she's had friends who were gay. But she thinks this one guy she knew, who was gay was "just saying it because he couldn't get a date with a girl". Yeah sure mom...they asked out every girl in the entire world (3 billion) and every one of them said no so they said "Heck, I'm going to be gay today and see if I have better luck." Now does that sound almost as ridiculous as what she says??

I have friends who are gay..and I don't try to change them or say they're just saying it for whatever reason. I believe they are gay because that is who they are. I have no problem whatsoever with people who are gay. All I ask for in a friend is that they are nice, caring and treat me well and in return I would do the same and wish them all the happiness in the world.

I've said it once..and I'll say it again..maybe I'm adopted.