Yep it's official!! I'm mental!! I have an anxiety disorder brought on by extreme stress over the past couple years. The doctor I saw today confirmed it.

Now for a rather detailed summary of what happened there today.

It started storming really bad today and I wasn't too thrilled by the thought of maybe having to go to the doctor while riding in a storm. It eventually stopped just before we left. My mother had said she would give us directions as to how to get there. Instead of my father said he was going to pick us up and we'd all go together. I didn't want to do that. I would felt weird having my father sit in the waiting room. I suggested and he agreed that we would follow him there and then he could go home because we could find our way back home. Ordinarily we could find somewhere if it was in town but this doctor had her practice 20 minutes away in another town.

We got off to a little late start but we followed him there. He took another route to get there, one I don't particularly like because it's curvy and it's a back road. Not to mention I figured if it was going to storm again soon I did NOT want to be on a curvy back road.

My father pulled into the parking lot of a rather small building. He took the only parking space that was close to where he thought we needed to go and we had to park further away. Which didn't make much sense to me..I mean come on..he was going to be leaving as as we found the place, what did he need with a good parking space?? There were a bunch of people sitting up in a porch at the building. They looked like they had just escaped from a mental institution. As it turns out I wasn't that far off. The building was a halfway house for recently released criminals. Good job dad!!

We eventually found the place. It was about 1:30..about half an hour before the appointment. My husband and I walked in. The floor was a shiny wood. The magazines were mostly National Geographic. Typical. And of course, as I said before, they had Dr. Seuss books. Did I call that one or what?? Also I was about the only woman in the waiting room who hadn't gone thru menopause.

I had to fill out a ton of paperwork. I tried to have a little fun with it. With several of them I mumbled made up answers in a voice that only my husband could hear me say:

NAME: ZooLoo Queen Of The Dwarf People

ADDRESS: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

MALE/FEMALE: My husband responded to that one as saying "last time you checked you were female."

I couldn't believe some of the questions those papers asked. They asked if my sex life was good. They asked when I first got the monthly visitor. I should have responded by saying "I got the monthly visitor a few years before I starting having sex and enjoying it." A lot of the forms asked the same questions. I should have just wrote on the repeat questions "Same as it was on the last form."

We got called back just before 2. I was like "Cool this may not take long." Well my first thought was "typical" because they called me the second I walked out to look at some papers and flyers they had posted up. The nurse took my height, which she's claiming I'm 2 inches shorter than I've always thought. I still say I'm the same height as before. My weight which I never believe at a doctor's office. They are never really accurate. At least that's what I am claiming. She took my blood pressure which I have no idea what it was. She also took my temperature which surprisingly enough said 98.6. I was feeling a little warm and thought it would be higher. She then asked a bunch of questions and said to go back to the waiting room and the doctor would call us back in a few minutes. I was not pleased by this. But I figured it wouldn't be too long.

Well it did take awhile. My husband and I were both really bored while waiting for them to call us back. The two elderly women who had went in before me and had already come out and left. We didn't get back there until almost 3pm. During that time my husband and I looked at books and magazines and I was going on about how bored I was and how I couldn't believe this was taking so long.

We got back to a different exam room than before. The same nurse from before told us it would only be a little while. I told my husband "So a few minutes is an hour, how long is a little while??" She also told me to take off my shirt and put on this paper towl that was in the shape of a sleevless shirt. Oh goody goody. My husband helped me get it on. It had to be open in the back so I was like "Oh great it's a straight jacket."

Just as I got it on the doctor came in. I told her everything that was going on, and my husband told her things as well. She said it sounded like I was very stressed and that I do have an anxiety disorder brought on by severe stress over the last couple years since losing the baby. It was very weird talking to while wearing that paper shirt. I kept pulling it up because it kept wanting to fall off my shoulders.

I need to have a blood test done some day this week. I have to fast the night before which is going to suck since my husband and I are both usually up late at night. The blood test is to just confirm that there is a chemical inbalance and that it's not a thyroid condition which doesn't look likely. The blood test is to just completely eliminate it as a possibility.

Also I found out that the not sleeping much, being irritable, not eating much and being depressed and the headaches was all caused by the anxiety disorder. Which eases my mind a bit. It also helps that the doctor says this isn't my fault and couldn't really have been prevented.

So the doctor has put me on paxil. You know that stuff they advertise on tv all the time. I'm also on a sleeping aid..xaxos I think is the spelling or something like that. I also need to go back to her next month to see how things are going. The doctor has also recommended counseling which I'm not exactly looking forward to but I guess I could try. My husband really thinks I should go. He said he'd go with me and wait out in the waiting room. That helps but I would really love it if he could come inside with me. I doubt they would allow that. I'm not a big fan of counselors. They are basically total strangers and you're supposed to confide in them when all they do is say "uh huh" and ask all kinds of questions about this and that without really giving their opinion on anything.

My parents' reaction to finding out about this wasn't very enthusiastic. My father said "Well if you just make yourself rest and sleep more you'll be fine." I don't think my father has fully grasped the concept of an anxiety disorder. The anxiety disorder is why I can't sleep right. My mother said "Well I knew it all along." Yeah sure mom..that why you thought I was doing it for attention and yelling at me for it huh?? I told her she thought I was doing it for attention and could control it. Her response to that was "Well...I know you can't really control it but I don't think you need to inflict it on others." Yeah that's comforting. Would she prefer I just keep it all in and not BOTHER anyone with it?? They may have been what got the anxiety disorder esculated this far to begin with was keeping it in and not talking about it much.

My husband is happy that I'm getting medicine and hopefully will get better. As for my reaction..part of me is SO happy that I actually can say with 100% certanity that I can't help it, that it is an anxiety disorder and it's not my fault I have it!! Another part of me isn't exactly thrilled at having an anxiety disorder. It's not fun at all. Being worried and nervous most of the time. Getting scared and paranoid at the drop of a hat sometimes. Not being able to calm yourself down. Worried that something is going to happen and thinking something is wrong. Then having a lot of people (not everyone) think you're making it up or doing it for attention. I'm hoping this medicine will work. It better because I don't want to talk to a "uh huh" "well what do you think of that??" shrink for the rest of my life.

I am a bit curious if admitting this will get some people who I am friends with to not want to talk to me anymore, thinking I'm some crazy person or something. If they do, oh well..I'm not going to lie about myself or deny this problem. Whoever can't handle it and doesn't want to talk to me anymore because of it..oh well..that's their problem, not mine. I've never claimed to be perfect and they shouldn't either.