I had hoped I'd be less depressed once November ended and actually I'm not. We went Christmas shopping today and just about everywhere I looked, kids and babies. What was it?? The first 200 kids in each store got a free Harry Potter action figure or something?? I saw this one baby that was SO cute. His father looked like a 15 year old football player. He said the doctors told him and his girlfriend that the baby was supposed to be a 15 pound girl and wound up being a 7 pound boy. Hmm, I wonder if he saw that same quack I went to who told me I wasn't pregnant and that I made it all up.

I went to the funeral home tonight. That always depresses me. A woman who worked in the cafeteria of the high school I went to lost her husband the other night. She's a sweet woman and to be honest I don't remember ever meeting her husband. My parents have lived just a couple houses down for over 20 years. How could I not remember seeing her husband?? I know the woman reasonably well and I really like her, how could I not remember ever meeting or seeing her husband??

My mother and I had to wait in this long line to see the family. That felt kinda weird. I mean what do you do while you're in line in a funeral home?? You can't go see the body because you lose your place in line. I couldn't talk to hardly anyone else there because I didn't know them. I think I got my sarcastic, wise cracking side from my mother. While in line she made a comment about how long we were waiting and how my husband was in the car waiting for us. She said "(hubby's name) probably thinks we died in here because we're taking so long." I know her comment did NOT go unheard. My response was "Umm..I don't think that's something you should say inside of a funeral home during a wake." Death jokes during one of those just seems ill-timed.

We got to the family and except for the woman I knew I really didn't know anyone else there. I knew the woman's son and daughter in law but they weren't up there. My mother apparently knew one of the daughters. She hugged me, asked how I was and I didn't really know what to say. What do you say to someone you don't know whose father you also don't know just died?? We got to the woman I know and talked to her for a few. She talked about how her husband wasn't in pain anymore and she looked like she was close to crying again. I feel bad for her. I also couldn't help thinking about our daughter when she talked about her husband being with God now.

A couple minutes later my mother was standing in the middle of the room waiting to talk to someone. No offense but she looked lost. Well, I told her I was going outside. As I was walking to the door I saw a sign pointing towards the chapel so I went in there. I sat down in one of the pews. Now this is probably going to sound corny..but I..started talking to God.

What do you say to God if you're not sure He exists?? I think I'm leaning towards God does exist, I just don't understand Him. I kinda went on this rant to God about how He wouldn't let me see my little girl or hold her. Not exactly a great idea but hey I'm still upset about that. I then said I did believe in Him and asked my adopted grandmother to give our little girl a kiss for me and tell her we love her. Next to me was a box of kleenex. How fitting is that?? First time I've ever seen a pew come with them. Well I didn't know what else to say so I got up and quickly walked out. I had started thinking about the people and animals I've lost over the last few years. It was all too much to think about at once. I had to get out of there.

I walked outside and got in the car where my husband was waiting. My mother had apparently went back inside to look for me. She came out about 2 minutes later asking where I was. I said I went looking around. She said "In a funeral home??" Well yeah..where did she think I went looking around at?? At the mall?? Yeah I just went super speed up to the mall, looked around and came back. She said "How come I didn't see you come out??" Well gee let's see..umm...because there is more than one door?!!?!

So yes, I'm starting to believe God does exist. But like I said..I just don't understand Him. There's a lot I don't understand. What's scary..is I think what I don't understand outweighs what I do and the scale will stay that way for the rest of my life. I'm probably one of the last people to figure this out. But oh well, better late than never.