Do you ever sometimes feel like you're in a trance but at the same time you know what's going on around you?? Every now and then I feel that way. It's like..I know that there are things going on around me and I know a majority of what it is that is going on. It's just that I'm choosing to ignore most of it. I just stare straight ahead or think about something else without paying too much attention to everything else.

I feel like I'm going back into a depression again. I think that the fact that 2 years ago our daughter died is a factor in that. This may sound petty of me but the fact that I've gained a few pounds also has got me down.

I hate my weight. The last time I can remember actually really being happy with my weight was..well..it was before I ever heard of the name "Clinton" as a president. For awhile I liked my weight when I was 17. I wore tight shorts and sleevless shirts or tight shirts. I also wore tight pants which I still do sometimes. I actually looked pretty good in all of those clothes. Now I wear pants, jeans and long sleeves and SOMETIMES short sleeves or shorts. I feel like if I wear short sleeves or shorts I'll be calling attention to where I'm fat. If I wear long sleeves and pants, although maybe I'm dreaming here, but it feels like I can actually cover up the places I think I'm fat in. Like today for example, I wore tight pants and a long sleeved shirt, untucked. The temperature got up to 92 degrees, I got hot of course, I think I even sweated a little but oh well. I'd rather be a little hotter than wear clothes that I think make me look fat.

My husband insists I'm not fat, and I don't need to lose weight at all, although I say he's just saying that. I tell so many people that weight doesn't matter, and that they look good no matter what they weigh and I do mean that. It's just harder to believe though when it's my body I'm looking at in the mirror.

It's not that I weigh a WHOLE LOT..well what is a whole lot anyways?? I don't like my weight and I wish I weighed 100 pounds even although I doubt that'll ever happen. I've considered working out again. I'll have to find an exercise show. Let's see if I can find out what's going to be on over the next few hours..maybe an exercise show will be on. I remember when those shows used to be on all the time in the morning.

Infomericals: Do people actually watch these things?? Other than as a way to try to cure insomnia??

Reruns: Mostly of shows I do not like and do not plan on starting to watch. A couple shows I like but I don't know if I'm in the mood to watch them. The tv show "Batman" is coming on at 4am. I used to be so obsessed with that show. Kind of strange to think I fantasized about a guy in tights who now is old enough to be my grandfather.

News: Just how many different ways is there to tell about what happened in the world??

Paid Programming: Here a paid programming, there a paid programming, everywhere a paid programming.

Movies: Whatever happened to GOOD movies being shown in the middle of the night?? Oh yeah..that's right..*makes note to remind self to talk to hubby about getting all the movie channels*.

Well this sucks, there isn't a single exercise show on tonight/tomorrow morning. What's happening to this world when you can't even find an exercise program on tv when you actually want to watch one??

Two years ago this month our daughter died. It's a fact that sticks inside my brain and holds up a sign to make sure I don't forget. If memory serves me correctly we started losing her 2 years ago today (10th). Goody goody huh??

I think fighting with my mother more lately than usual has got me a bit depressed. She's denying things she's done and said in the past and says I'm mean because in her opinion I'm making up lies about her. I guess an apology for the bad things she did is too much to ask for.

*Sighs*

I don't want to be in a depression again. It's not fun and it's hard to get out of it. I'm not in a full one. There are a lot of things I am happy about..like..I love my husband more than anything, I love my parents, I love the computer, the work I do on the computer, my journal, my friends and some of my relatives and in general I'm very happy in my life. It's just that thinking about the baby, something I can't seem to get over and my weight, something I've never gotten over is getting me down a bit.