I had wanted to give my mother a mommy day. Basically we do whatever she wants..dinner..shopping..whatever. I thought she needed a break from all the stuff going on with Doug and everything else. I had THOUGHT it would just be the 4 of us. Well Beth calls my mother and asks if SHE wants to do something and my mother says that I had wanted her to go out with her and do something but that she was more than welcome to come. Gee thanks mom!! She THEN calls and asks me if it's okay with me. Yeah like I'm going to say "No she can't come so call Beth right now and tell her I said so."

Well we go to that chinese resturant in Radford for lunch and it's going reasonably well. Although I swear Beth makes me nervous sometimes to the point where I start worrying about what I'm saying, have said and will say and I wind up talking almost nonstop.

We go to the mall after lunch and everyone gets out of the cars. Jeff walked ahead of everyone else and I was kinda walking behind the other 3. The sad thing is no one noticed I wasn't up with the crowd. I eventually caught up but was pretty much ignored. Surprise surprise.

We decided to meet at the entrance to JC Penny's at 3. Jeff and I were walking around and I wanted to go into Spencer's. Jeff hates the place although I don't know why and didn't want to go in. Now I go in to all his places so I shouldn't have to pull teeth and beg for him to go into one of mine for a few..should I??

Not even 5 minutes after walking in there Jeff has to go to the bathroom. Funny how he suddenly had to go in a place he doesn't like..but anyways.

I see my mother at the music store and Jeff goes on to the book store and I ask her if I can walk with her and talk to her. She says yes and that I can walk with her all the way to the store of her choice if I want so we start walking and I start telling or asking her something, I don't remember which...and she sees Beth and says something out to her and walks over to her to talk to her..completely forgetting or choosing to ignore the fact that I was there. So I'm like "Okay I guess I'm more insignificant than I thought I was." I walk into the book store and she finally comes back to the entrance and says "Are you coming??" I just said "No." My self esteem had already went down enough for the moment, thank you.

Well...it goes reasonably okay until I walk out of the bookstore. Jeff and my father were already about 10 feet away from the store and kept walking. They did stop and wait for me when they saw me..oh how generous.

My mother was late meeting us..surprise surprise and said she was at the other entrance. Funny how the rest of us was at the other. My mother kept saying "What did I say??" in reference to where she said to meet. She was probably trying to beat my father into giving in to admit he was wrong which he did too...chicken. I kept saying "But all 4 of us came here." Finally she said "Would you shut up a minute?? I'm trying to talk to him and you keep going on and on." I was like "Ummm okay." my self esteem went down a bit more.

I walked a bit ahead of them and my mother said "Now if you want to stomp off and be mad you go right ahead." I said "Who's mad??" She said "YOU!!" I was like HUH?!?! I wasn't mad..just a bit hurt. Here's the convo:

MOM: Now if you want to stomp off and be mad you go right ahead.

ME: Who's mad??

MOM: YOU!!

ME: No!! I'm not mad!!

MOM: You are now!!

ME: No I'm not!!

MOM: Okay fine I'll ask. Are you mad??

ME: No!! I just don't like being falsely accused of things.

MOM: See I knew you would get mad today. I just knew it.

ME: I'M NOT MAD!!

MOM: Would you lower your voice?? Maybe you could get on top of the stand over there and yell so everyone can hear you.

Okay what the fuck ever. I couldn't win!!

Jeff said I didn't do anything wrong and if she spoke to me to ignore her. Well she comes behind me and starts talking..I follow Jeff's advice and she gets mad again!! My father drove us home and he said to just drop it then starts acting like I was mad at him because I wasn't talking. Well excuse me but I don't just calm down in 2 seconds..I don't down shift that fast!!

We got home and I went to bed and asked Jeff to tell my mother I was asleep if she called. He said okay then got online.

Several hours later we drive over here and Jeff decides to announce that I was half to blame for what happened and that he just said I didn't do anything so I wouldn't get mad. Yeah like being lied to and told the truth later is better. He said she probably thought I was mad because I didn't answer her when she first started talking after telling me to shut up. Well I did NOT hear her. He said "I believe you but she probably thought you were choosing not to answer." Okay..and her assuming wrong and bitching at me for that wins me half of the blame???? Excuse me?!?! How does that work?? Oh I know..I'm to blame for everything. I assume something wrong I get told it's my fault, others go assuming...it's my fault.

Well I'm mad at Jeff as we go into my parents' house. Mostly for lying to me which he knows pisses me off like crazy!! Well I open the door and he acted like he was going to take it yet he just pours his damn drink out and the door hits me in the heel. OWWWWWWW!! That just pissed me off more..especially when he was refusing to take any blame for that. Yeah I can see how that was my fault..I wasn't paying attention to what to what the words in my mind reading device was saying.

Well we all bickered a bit..my mother was saying she was sorry I hurt my leg and telling Jeff he should apologize. I told Jeff he should at least defend me or something for earlier..which guess what he didn't. Real big surprise there. It's like the men in this family lose their balls when they get around my mother. They have them plenty when they want to bitch at me or bitch about something else or to someone else..but once my mother is on the opposing team..the balls just cease to exist.

Well everyone agrees to drop it. Yeah it didn't even last an hour. My mother comes into the kitchen when I am getting a pizza in the oven and starts it all up again!! Typical. And guess who gets yelled at?? ME!! I don't say anything at first when she brings it up other than to say everything is fine but she keeps going. I say ONE statement back and bam she starts bitching at me..then Jeff starts bitching at me again for keeping it all going. Of course.

Well I'm trying to defend myself..my mother is yelling at me..Jeff is saying "You both just shut up and not bring it up anymore. Either of you does and I'm going home." BOTH?!?!? EITHER?!?! All I am doing is defending myself. Yet does he bitch at my mother?? NOOOOOOO of course not!! His balls are out in the driveway.

So I get bitched at for starting it up again..which I didn't..defending myself which everyone said was my keeping it going..yelling..well everyone else..kicking the chair while sitting in it..well that's to keep me calm. They do little things to keep calm, why can't I?? Oh yeah..everything is my fault and they are all perfect. Of course..how could I forget??

Well the bitching keeps going..my mother and Jeff apologizes..both half assed and for yelling at me at the top of their lungs and saying a bunch of shit..including my mother covering her ears in protest and then continuing to do that after I agreed to drop it. Yet I get accused of keeping it going and starting it over and over again when I don't say ANYTHING until they do and then I just defend myself. Go fucking figure.

So now I'm sitting here...my eyes a little sore from crying. Damn I hate crying in front of people. Sometimes I think I should just not talk at all. Then I can't be blamed for anything..but knowing everyone they'd find a way to blame me somehow. Or they'd say my silence was a sign of being mad and starting everything up again. So I just can't fucking win so why should I even fucking bother you know??

I put up an away message...partly because I didn't want to be messaged and chat and another part because I was curious if anyone would message and ask what was wrong. Less than one minute after I did Stacey messaged with the following:

Tnkrbll266: i hope everything is ok

That's one of the things I really like about her. No matter how upset she is or how hard or bad things are for her..if someone she knows is upset she's always there for them no matter what. I didn't message back..I should..but I don't know. I'm tempted to let her read this. I doubt I will though but who knows. I'm also tempted to just not say anything to anyone about it. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things right now.