A friend of mine is really annoying me. She's the one with the 2 old son, and an asshole husband. She's also the one who keeps saying "You don't have kids, you don't know." I don't tell her hardly anything anymore. She doesn't know nearly as much about my life as she thinks she does. Lately I just give her quick updates, and the latest about what's going on around here. I've tried talking to her but she talks about herself almost all the time, and doesn't half pay attention when I try to talk about something that isn't about her. Nor does she really ask except for a quick "Hello how are you??" at the beginning of a conversation.

I've also found out that my husband and I will probably never be asked to babysit her son. She leaves her son at a daycare all day long, and with a babysitter whose a total stranger on some nights while her and the jerk go out. She's home all day which makes me wonder if she's trying to get away from her son. The other night, she was talking about looking for a job and I said if she lived closer we would babysit her son for her. I mentioned to her about her letting someone that she knows that does live near her babysit her son. She said she would never let this person babysit her son because this person doesn't have kids of her own. Without saying the same to me..if that's her reason for that one person, then I'm guessing the same rules apply to my husband and me until we do have kids. What a stupid rule. She prefers a stranger WITH kids to watch her son than people she knows and trusts who don't have kids yet. Yet another way of her to remind me we don't have kids yet. She throws that at me at least once a month, usually more often than that. If I try to offer advice or a suggestion, she throws it at me that we don't have kids yet. If she's talking about how busy she is, she throws it in there. As if I really need to be reminded that our baby died. She knows about the baby yet she still says that. Am I wrong to think that's cruel??

What makes it worse is that she ignores her son, treats him like a burden and while she was pregnant referred to him as a mistake that was going to ruin her life. Yet even though she does all this she tells everyone how much her son means to her and how he's a "gift from God." Not that I'm saying her son isn't..it's just that I've seen her with him. She acts like she's a teenager who is babysitting and that she'd rather be on the phone and watching tv than be with the kid. It doesn't seem fair. Here I'd do almost anything to have just 5 minutes with my little girl..and she's has her son all this time and ignores him. She can hug him anytime she wants. She can read him a story and tell him "I love you" whenever she wants and she knows he'll hear her. Yet all I have of my daughter is the memory of carrying her for 4 months and the pain of going thru each day without her in our lives.

I love her son like he was my nephew and at the same time, it's hard seeing him. He was born while I was pregnant. If our daughter had lived they would only be a few months apart in age. It seems everytime I see him I can't help but be reminded of her and how she'd be doing a lot of the same things now that he would be doing. Sometimes I think I'm going to start crying when I see him. As if it would do any good. It won't bring her back.

Nothing will bring my little girl back and nothing will make the pain of losing her, never getting to see her or hold her go away. I think about her everyday. Some days are easier than others. Some days I can get thru the day without crying or thinking about her so much I get really depressed. The other days, I do cry and I do get depressed. It doesn't help that we don't know what caused her death and we never will. I have moments where I blame myself. My husband insists that he doesn't believe at all that it's my fault she died. He also said that I have no evidence to prove that it was my fault. My response to that is that I also have no evidence to say it wasn't my fault.

I can't wait until we start trying for another baby. I want off this damn paxil. The doctor says I can't get pregnant while I'm on the paxil. Although I'm supposed to be going off it soon. I want another baby SO badly I can't stand it sometimes. The thought of waiting drives me crazy sometimes. Even though we're not going to wait much longer, it still feels like it is.

*Sighs*

November 17th....30 days in the month...13 days left. This sucks. Is the month of November supposed to be going by this slowly??