I think I need to watch a few Christmas movies. I've temporarily lost the Christmas spirit. I am determined to get it back before Christmas. The day started out well and was going fine until about an hour ago.

My father rarely speaks to me. Unless of course he's telling me something about some sport, one of his friends or showing some article of clothing he just has to buy. Every now and then he'll say something, that he may insist is just teasing, but it doesn't feel like it. Tonight for example, I was in a great mood. I was in the back seat with my husband and both of my parents were in the front seat. My father saw a license plate that said: "Bossy1". Without hesitating he said "Oh I think that's (my name)'s car." He started laughing at his attempted joke. My mother looked at him and told him to tell me he was just kidding and he just looked at me, still smiling while holding in a laugh and said "Sorry." Oh now that was sincere. Actually now that I think about it he wasn't looking at me, he was still looking straight ahead.

We headed to my parents' house where our car was and my mother had an idea to go look at Christmas lights. Well actually I had the idea, but it didn't become a "Good Idea" by my parents' standards until my mother said it. I wasn't really in the mood after the comment from my father. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but considering the man rarely says more than 2 words to me on an average day, that doesn't involve sports, I think I have a right to be a little upset. The lights were pretty. I was a little disappointed though. One man who has a large yard and a bigger house and always goes all out on lights didn't decorate his house even a little. There wasn't a single light or decoration. :((

While we were still out looking at lights, my father decided to make another little joke. My husband pointed out to him that there was a sign that said "Watch Out For Kids". My father..for whatever reason said "Oh sorry kids" and pretended he just ran over a couple kids. How is that funny?? He would have to do that while I was thinking about the baby girl I lost last year.

This year and last year I was thinking about her while looking at Christmas lights. I think she would have liked them.

Well right now we're at my parents' house. We decided to stay a little while. My mother bought some stuff to make pumpkin pies (one of my husband's favorite desserts) and they wanted me to make them for Christmas dinner. I make them a little different than the directions specify. My husband has said they're the best he's ever had so I was a little anxious to make them again. I was on the computer and my mother said tonight would probably be a good night to make them. Yeah sure mom..I hope there's any left Christmas Day. A few minutes later she suggested I start making them. I went in there a couple minutes later and she's adding cinnamon to a mix. I of course was thinking "Umm..why is she donig that??" I look at the mix she had and she had every single ingredient already in there!! I was supposed to make the pies. I ALWAYS make the pies for us. Apparently all was left really was stirring the mix and putting it in the oven. That's not making pies that's "Pouring and heating." Well I tried to make the best of it and started mixing it and thought I'd add a little extra to it. My mother said "No don't do that." She then proceeded to tell ME how to make the pies. She said if I do anything else to it other than mix it, it won't come out right. So I just walked away and told her she could finish it, she already did almost all of it anyways.

Do you ever wonder what your parents really think of you?? You know the opinions and thoughts that they have but they don't reveal?? I'm sure my father thinks I'm this horrible creature, who wasn't born a boy like he wanted, who no matter what the fight is about against my mother, I have to be the one in the wrong. Everytime me and my mother have a fight, if he's within ear shot, he'll take her side. Even before he's heard my side. When I was younger, my mother and me would have a disagreement, I'd go to him to get his opinion. The response was either she'd state her opinion first and he'd go along with it or he'd agree with me, then change it when she got upset with that. As for him wanting a boy, that just isn't my insecurity screaming out. When your father dresses you as a boy when your mother is at work, hits your arms and legs saying he's doing it to make you tough, and tucks your hair into an old baseball hat and takes you out that way and has you hang out with him and all his male buddies talking about who knows what, forgetting that you are a girl in their presence it's pretty obvious. My mother insists I'm crazy, and that those things never happened. My response to that is that she worked a lot of weekends, so how can she say with any kind of certainty that I'm not telling the truth??

My mother denies a lot of things that's happened in the past. I sometimes wonder if her memory is just fading or she's actually convinced herself those things never happened. Her opinion of me is hard to figure out. She said she loves me and I believe her. Although sometimes I wonder if her opinion of me as a person would be the same if we weren't related. She's critical of most things I do. Examples are: I'm on the computer too much, I have no taste in clothes, my career choices aren't good enough, and my hair isn't perfect. She hates I talk to people online. She insists it's wrong to have friends who are of the opposite sex even though she has many male friends. It's funny..the way my parents treat me is so different. My mother spoiled me with material things and is overly critical of a lot of things I do. My father pretty much ignores me but I can't say anything about it because if I do my mother gets upset saying "Oh your father is good to you, how can you say such things??" Then I get the silent treatment from her for a little while. I sometimes worry that I'm going to turn into my parents when me and my husband have kids. I told my husband if I ever start sounding like them to knock the hell out of me.

I don't mean to completely trash my parents. I really don't. My mother has very good moments most of the time and I love her a lot. Sometimes during the good moments I start feeling guilty for being upset with her over other things. I probably sound like an ungrateful daughter, but I don't mean to. I hope that when when we have kids we won't drive our kids as crazy as my parents do to me sometimes. No doubt we will though..the world may cease to exist if parents stopped driving their kids crazy.