My grades growing up were mediocore, but I think that has something to do with my lack of interest in the 13 years of hell we refer to as school. I tell people that if I knew then what I know now, I think I would have gotten better grades. School barely kept my interest, I had a few nice teachers, but unfortunately they were few and far between. The kids in my school were mostly stuck up, anorexicly (if that's a word) thin, and believed they were God's gift to the world. Do you ever wonder what happens to those people?? Do they ever realize what shallow creatures they are or do they just pass it down to their minimes?? These are the kinds of kids/teenagers that you refer to as "the bitch" or that you boo at when you see them in the movies but yet you idolize and want to be just like them in person. Those people who say hello to you and you spend the next few hours telling all your friends that what's his/her name spoke to you. But if they don't say hello they are labeled the bitch or asshole. Those kinds of people I never really liked. They probably didn't like me either but oh well. It always amazed me that the ones with the worst personalities were the ones who had the most friends. I have to wonder if those friends were true friends or one of the queen bee's little workers who tagged along just because of who they were.

As for my looks, oh let's see do I have enough room to type all this?? I think I'm about..well..# pounds overweight. Of course I've always thought I was overweight. Even when I was parading around in tight skimpy shorts and tight sleevless shirts I thought I was fat. My weight bothered me much more growing up then it does now. I think part of that was because my father told me when I was a kid that being fat was in my genes and I couldn't avoid it. My mother would always tell me that weight didn't matter, but then would criticize if I gained an ounce, or would start complaining about her weight. Is there logic in there somewhere?? I sure as hell can't find it.

It would be nice if there was a way to make nails get long and stay long. I was told years ago by a woman who obviously did not know what she was talking about that my nails just aren't made to grow. Yeah sure. I've been tempted since then to wait until my nails are super long and go over to her and just flash them in her face. My nails don't grow fast, and that bothers me, but at least they do grow. What really annoys me about my nails is how they finally get to a good length, all I have to do is admire how great a certain nail looks, and viola that nail would be gone with the wind in a matter of days. Sometimes even within 24 hours. I've considered fake nails, in fact I've actually worn them before. Let's just say they aren't worth it.

My hair used to take forever to grow. You know how they say your hair grows an inch a month. Well I think the roots in my hair must laugh everytime that is said. My hair used to grow an inch a year. Now that my hair is exactly the length I can see myself wanting for awhile it grows faster and I see myself having to get a haircut every 6-7 weeks. I used to be able to go over a year and people wouldn't know the difference.

Growing up I had a couple ideas of what I wanted my career to be. Everytime I'd tell them to my father, he'd say "Talk to your mother about them." Well I did..every one of them she shot down. Let's see..actress?? "Do you know how many people try to do that and fail?? Be realistic" she would say. How about a teacher?? "Are you crazy?? Having to put up with kids all day long every day??" Umm, a lawyer?? "Hahahaha yeah I see you going to school that long."

Maybe the lack of encouragment growing up and not hearing the words "I'm proud of you" from my parents has got my self esteem below sea level.

My mother would always want to pick out my clothes at the stores to buy. The most say I would get in it would be to pick one shirt between 3 SHE had picked out. My father wanted a boy, I'm convinced of this fact because growing up he treated me as one. The outfits he'd want me to wear, the always wanting me to hang out with his guy friends with him, the slaps on the arms and legs he'd give. (And damn did they sting) The way he'd fix my hair, tucked into an old baseball hat, like he thought maybe he could convince a few of his friends I was a boy.

My parents worked different shifts most of the time I was growing up so of course I was passed back and forth like a hot potato. He'd go to work, as she was coming in and vice versa.

I never had any brothers or sisters. One of my ex elderly neighbors told me my parents probably didn't want to take a chance that they'd have another kid that was like me. Oh yeah that's a real ego booster. She was probably kidding but considering my mother always tells me that when she was younger she wanted a lot of kids and neither of my parents were only children.

I look at some people in the world, they look so confident, sure of themselves and don't seem nervous or worried about screwing up. Is it an act or are they really like that??

When I had my first job, working in a fast food resturant, most of the time I was SO worried about screwing up and making a total ass of myself and having everyone think I was a total incompetant.

Do you ever wonder about people thinking you're strange?? I used to and on the very rare occasion still do. That something I'll say or do will make people think "Oh jeez this person is stupid and really weird. Now don't get me wrong, most of the time I could care less what most people think but every so often, I'll have a conversation with someone then a few minutes later as I'm replaying it in my mind I'm thinking to myself "Why the hell did I say that?? What is wrong with me??!?!!?" Some things just don't come out right you know??

I have changed since I was younger. I'm not shy. HA!! I am FAR from shy!! I was SO shy in school I got voted "Quietest Girl In School" 2 years in a row. 99% of the time if people don't like me "Oh well, your loss." And I will give my opinions. I am not shy about them. If you've read any of my journal you'll know that's true. Now this entry probably makes me sound neurotic, strange or whatever, but I doubt I'm the only one with some of these thoughts. And if I am..oh well..this is my journal not theirs.