Lately I've been keeping some things secret. Whether it's good or bad I don't know but I'm doing it. They aren't major secrets..at least I don't think they are. Basically it's when I'm getting really nervous or having a panic attack, I keep it to myself. I don't even let Jeff in on it. Also my depression that's coming back I've kept hidden. I tried to talk to Jeff about it but halfway thru he started saying it wasn't depression, that I was just having a bad few weeks and I was kinda down about it. Well gee it would be nice if he listened to EVERYTHING I said before making a full diagnosis.

So now here I am..struggling to keep the nervousness a secret and apparently needing to keep the depression a secret too. I'm doing reasonably okay..except sometimes at night I get kinda antsy and a little shakey.

A chain letter came today and I was acting a little paranoid and I'm sure they pleased everyone..NOT!!

So why am I keeping this a secret?? Not wanting to get yelled at?? Maybe..perhaps..but mostly..and this will sound like I'm 4 years old or something..but I want everyone to be proud of me. I am so much better at handling this anxiety disorder..not that I get any praise for it..unless of course I hint like crazy about it. But if I show any signs of being nervous or paranoid boy do I hear about it. Even Jeff doesn't really praise unless I bring it up.

It pisses me off too. I've bent over backwards trying to get this thing under control and I jump thru hurdles every day to keep it under control and no one really says ANYTHING!! Yet I slip up just a tiny bit and I get bitched at!! It's not fair!! I throw encouragment in every direction when anyone else needs it or when they've done well..don't I deserve the same back!?!? Jeff says he doesn't notice I've been doing better unless I bring it up. Well gee you would think someone going from being a nervous wreck all the time to being usually calmer than anyone else would be something you couldn't help but notice!!

Anyways...I guess I just want everyone to treat me normal. My parents still think of me as some invalid but at least they aren't treating me like some paranoid nitwit that it so embarressing to have around. I don't want to lose that. They say they're proud of me..only when I bring it up of course. But no matter how little it might be..I don't want to lose that. And if I let on of any kind of nervousness or a panic attack..even if it comes on it's own..I'm afraid I'll lose it..which I probably will.

Also no one seems to really understand why turning 25 just totally sucks to me. Just about everyone thinks I'm overreacting. Well to that I say bite me to everyone who thinks that. It's funny..most of the people who act like I'm overreacting..are either younger or had a baby before they turned 25. No one gets it..they really don't. Jeff says he does but it's different for guys and I think even he thinks I might be overreacting a bit.

I might as well face it..for the most part..people suck!! Animals are smarter and nicer than most people in this world.