After several minutes of finding the right background, getting the right code put in, and then having to reboot the computer just to come back and redo the first couple things I finally am writing this entry. I usually find a background before I write the entry. I do that because if the computer is going to mess up while I am trying to find the right background I'd rather it do it before an entry has been written rather than right after I just wrote a full entry. The frustration over losing an entry is like losing an errection just before the actual sex begins. Not that I would actually know this.

Now I can admit I have flaws. If I listed all of them I may need to find the number for the local suicide hotline. Since I'm not in the mood to call information and I'm not 100% sure where the phone book is I think I'll just stick to one that's currently on my mind. Hmm..let me rephrase. That could be several. I think I'll just cover the one that my mother criticizes me for. Okay..again that one could mean several. Okay, I think I will talk about my paranoia. Hey, that was simple.

I can admit that in some ways I am paranoid. I worry about a lot of things. I worry about death, both for myself and those I care about. I worry about possible terrorist attacks. I worry about something bad happening. I get a bad headache and I worry it's a brain tumor or something else. I get chest pains, I sometimes think it's a heart problem. When I was younger I'd sometimes follow my cat wherever he went outside because I would worry he would wander into the road and get hit by a car. If my husband is breathing hard or has a pain I get nervous. During the anthrax cases, I would open our mail carefully and then wash my hands for 5 minutes. If a bill came in the mail from one of the areas where anthrax was reported, I'd throw it away and just wait until the following month to pay the bill or call the company and get an amount that was owed. Talk of nuclear and biological weapons will get me slightly on edge.

I don't mean to be paranoid. My mind just sometimes wanders into worrying and going thru a bunch of "what if's". A couple weeks after the terrorist attacks, if I saw a plane in the air at night I would go outside every few minutes for at least an hour until the plane had left.

I'm not used to having aches and pains that every adult gets. I was never warned of it. Growing up the only aches and pains I had was my ankle when I would constantly sprain it. The only head pains I would get was when I was 13 and would get muscle spasms in my head. I never got headaches. According to my mother I had a higher endurance for pain when I was younger. Well yeah it's easy to have a high endurance for it when you're barely in pain. Isn't it to be expected that pains I've never had before would make me nervous?? My mother is 45 years old, she's had all the aches and pains and knows that they're nothing to worry about. These pains are still new to me. A lot of them I'm getting I've never had exactly that way before.

I try not to be paranoid, if that's even the right word for it. My mother insists something must be mentally wrong with me for me to worry a lot. She's downright mean about it. She'll sometimes point to her head and say "Something's wrong right here with you." If I mention seeing a doctor about a pain that I have or something she insists the doctor will laugh at me and send me to a shrink. My husband thinks some kind of medicine for nerves would help. I agree. When she found out about the idea she went off. She said that people would think I was "strange" or "odd" for needing something like that. She also insisted if I took that and got pregnant it would hurt the baby.

I sometimes ask my mother's opinions when I'm not feeling well or have a pain that has me worried. She'll sometimes laugh at me saying I'm silly. That of course doesn't make me feel too great. Does she think I'm choosing to get these pains?? Am I wanting to worry?? Sorry to disappoint but no I'm not.

My husband once suggested I see a counselor but I don't think that's the answer. Counselors only half pay attention and they look at you like you're supposed to say more than what you do. I never went to a counselor. Anytime my mother would mentioning counseling for anyone she'd make it sound like a bad thing.

So what is the answer to my paranoia?? My husband understands I can't help it but I'm sure he wishes I could control it all the time not just most of the time. I wish it too. worried about things. Am I the only one who is like this?? My mother insists I am but I couldn't be.

I didn't used to worry so much. I worried about things but not AS much. It started getting the way it is now after I lost my daughter, my dog and my cat all within 7 months. It got me extra protective of people around me. Then when 9-11 happened my belief that the world was in general a safe place was shattered. Is all this the cause of it?? Is something mentally wrong with me?? Is it normal??

I really don't know the answers to be honest and in a way that worries me too.