Have you ever sat down to write something and you just can't think about what to write or how to write it?? I had several ideas over the last 36 hours about what to write about in this entry. I just couldn't think of what to write or how to write it. A couple entries I just wrote about whatever popped in my head, maybe I'll do that with this entry.

I like to write scripts sometimes for fun and I can figure out the plot, a few scenes, and an outline of what all I want to happen in the script, I just can't figure out how to start it. My husband suggested writing what I knew I wanted in there then add the beginning later. I tried doing that, it doesn't work as well. It just doesn't seem to run as smoothly. It's like watching the last part of a movie and then going back later on and trying to watch the first part. Sure you get everything in the movie but it just seems to be more enjoyable if you watch it all the way thru.

Usually when I write an entry I'm either listening to music or the TV. Right now I have headphones on and wondering what song to listen to. I usually like the fast songs while writing. I have over 200 songs downloaded on songspy and I think I'll click random and let it choose what songs I listen to.

___________________

A few minutes later

___________________

Okay I am ticked off. I usually write these entries on here and every paragraph or so I will copy and paste into wordpad and save it so in case the computer messes up I will still have my entry. Well, not so smart me writes several paragraphs and only saves the first two. Maybe it's a sign that I'm not destined to be a song critic which was what the other paragraps were about.

I'm still on the birth control pills even though I hate them and the main reason I'm on them is to get the monthly visitor back to an every 28 day event. I only took about 2 weeks worth last month because the monthly visitor popped up. So from what I've been told they haven't fully gotten into my body enough to work. I've taken a few so far in this next box. Although part of me is wondering if maybe I'll be going off them again. My husband and I had sex the other day and well..we didn't use protection or the old "pull out" trick. Not to mention the 2 week mark which marks the best time to get pregnant was on the exact same day. I thought maybe since the monthly visitor was messed up the time that it would be best to get pregnant would be messed up too. But nope..that night..I got my usual mid cycle two week pain in my right side I get everytime I'm at that point when I'm ovulating. So do I currently have a bun in the oven with the timer set on 9 months?? Time will tell I guess.

I guess the million dollar question is, am I hoping I am pregnant?? Well...actually...yes..kind of..I think. Yes I know getting a house first instead of living in an apartment makes things easier but damn it I can't help it. I mean yes I want a baby very much. But..I guess I'm scared. Scared of miscarrying again..scared of actually having kids. Scared of screwing up. Do I sound like a coward?? I've had these fears ever since I miscarried. My desire to have a baby though is greater than those fears.

Will I be disappointed if I'm not?? A bit yeah, but I'll get over it. I'm 22 years old, I figure I've got at least that many years if not more to get pregnant again.