Jeff comes to me and tells me story after story of things he sees on tv. I listen with the look of complete interest. Some of the things bore me to tears but I still listen with interest. I know it means a lot to him because he enjoys telling me about them. And I think it would hurt his feelings if I did to him what he does to me. And yes it does hurt my feelings. So why is it when I want to show him something or tell him something he gets this look of boredom and says he doesn't want to see or whatever and acts like I'm trying to pull a tooth out or making him hold my purse in a women's clothing store I just dragged him into?? It's not fucking fair!!! I wanted to show him some movie trailers tonight. I thought he would REALLY enjoy them. Instead he complains and bitches and acts like I'm such a horrible person to subject him to 5 minutes of previews that I thought he would enjoy and that I was thought I would get to enjoy being able to watch them with him.

Another thing that's not fair..I lend him tons of money just about anytime he asks..and all I ask is minor things in return. No time frame of paying me back..no interest or anything like that. Usually all I ask is that he adds it to the debt so I can keep up with how much he owes. It takes a week of hassling to get him to do it and at times I wind up doing it myself!! Once I lent him money to buy cigarettes. I hate..let me rephrase..I HATE WITH A PASSION lending him money to get cigaretts. I feel like I'm helping him get cancer. Anyways..all I asked was a few sweet e-mails in return to be written by him. How many of them did I get?? ZERO!!!! Did I remind him of this?? Yes several times.

Also when I lend him money to buy me something. Does he say thank you?!! NO!! Hell I wind up thanking HIM for buying me the item when since he hasn't really even started to pay me back or shown much interest in doing so..it almost feels like I'm paying for the gift myself and HE gets all the credit!!!

It feels like he'll say and agree to anything to get what HE wants..whether it's money..cigarettes..or whatever..then once he gets it, it's like "oh well don't need to worry about that anymore. I got what I wanted!! ha..ha..ha."

His debt is getting close to 3,000 dollars. Meanwhile I have just a few dollars to my name and I do mean a few. He actually owes me nearly twice as much more than I ever had at one time. Days where I could buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and basking in the glow of counting all the money I had are nonexistant for the time being and worrying about whether or not I'll have enough money to do something minor such as renting or buying a movie or having enough money in my account where I don't get charged a fee is now my financial existance. He doesn't even seem worried about it. Hell if I owed someone nearly 3,000 dollars and because of this fact they were thisclose to being broke I would be feeling guilty as fucking hell!!

It's just not fair. It really isn't. I feel so used and unimportant. Sometimes Jeff..and well just about everyone act like my feelings and disposable.