I have no real job or whatever that I get to do. Not job as in making money..I mean..like I used to be the one to check mail..now Jeff does that. My parents usually ask Jeff to do something on the computer if they need it done or they'll want me to do it which is okay..but I'm still sharing it and it's usually simple stuff that they either won't learn how to do or don't want to do. You'd think that would be good..but that's what I exactly want. But most of the time they do go to Jeff, instead of me. Usually Jeff has to suggest they come to me.

I mean everyone comes to my mother for medical stuff and for comfort and support (Okay I don't come for those last 2 usually..since I lost the baby 4 years ago I've learned not to really do that), they go to my father for sports stuff..everyone goes to Jeff for building and repair, history stuff, opinions on things and stuff with the computer. No one really comes to me for anything.

Jeff and my mother have this big bond going where they go to each other a lot as well. Like she tells HIM about her day..he goes to HER with questions. Even cooking goes to Jeff and my mother. Most of the time they cook my meal for me, and I'm just told to make sure I clean up my mess but sometimes they do that too!!

It's like I'm this invalid person that people like to care for and love on, will acknowledge is there most of the time but thinks it can do very little, like it'll break if it does too much or it'll just mess everything up.

I don't talk to many people online really anymore. I spend more time avoiding talking to Jennifer than actually talking to her. My relatives are just there, barely giving a damn about my life except at some gathering when they pretend to act interested or are just trying to find gossip..not sure which..probably both. My mom is working a lot. My father is doing who knows what day after day..usually it's working out, bragging or doing some game somewhere. Jeff spends his time on the computer, watching tv or jerking off. Yeah funny huh?? I'm not even all that useful for getting off on anymore..the computer provides all the excitement and it can't get pregnant.

Lately my life is playing on the computer, chatting to a few, seeing my parents, taking care of and loving Oscar, playing Sorry with Jeff and my parents, playing the gameboy at home and driving back and forth to point A to point B with a few stops on the way. Oh and I rent movies that I keep forgetting to watch until 24 hours before they are due. Not to mention I lay in bed sometimes quietly wishing Jeff will come spend time with me without my having to make it look like I'm begging for it or for him to only lay down because he thinks something is wrong or because he wants to tell me something he read online or saw on tv.

What's sad or pathetic, take your pick..at night when I'm laying in the dark while Jeff is going to sleep and I'm curled up behind him..I've actually gotten some enjoyment out of playing celebrity/movie games in my head that I've created. It's pathetic, not too exciting and there is no real winning. I just seem to be doing it lately and not been bored out of my mind during it.

I'm either back in a depression or turning into wallpaper. Or perhaps maybe it's more like a chewed up piece of sting. Who knows which.