I know this letter is a letter that will never be read by the person who it is intended for but that doesn't matter.

Dear Billie,

Nearly 2 years has passed since we lost you and not a day has gone by that you have not been thought of. You would be 15 months old now and probably walking and hopefully talking a lot. If not, that's okay, you would have still been perfect in our eyes.

I miss you so much and I would do almost anything to get you back. You deserved a chance, to be born and to enjoy life and I'm sorry I failed in being able to give that to you. I tried sweet baby, I really did. I'm sorry that I will never get to see you. I'm sorry I won't ever be able to hold you and protect you from the world.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I didn't react the way I probably should have at first. In fact I was scared and confused. I complained about the morning sickness that your presence caused. At one moment I even said I wish I wasn't pregnant. How I hope you never heard any of that. It was the fear talking and how I worry that those words were a factor in why I lost you. Once I finally got over a majority of the fear and confusion I had I realized how wonderful it was to be pregnant and thinking about you and how I wonder how quickly November 9th would come. I talked to you every single day and your father would sing to you. He would even whisper things to you but would say it was between you and him and wouldn't tell me what he said. I thought that was so sweet, and I still wonder to this day what he said. I hope you heard the things we said to you. I like to think you did.

Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru. I still cry for you and I wonder what you would be like now. I feel responsible for you not being here. I feel like if I had just not been so scared when I found out I was having you, I wish I hadn't complained when I got morning sickness, I wish I had gotten to hold you and tell you how much I love you.

Your father and I sensed from the very beginning you were a girl. Maybe it was wishful thinking or just a sixth sense. We never really found out if you were a boy or a girl but both of us sensed that you were a girl so strongly that we still believe you were. We named you "Billie" because it was the first name we came up with that we both liked and could be used for a boy if we had been wrong in the gender we both sensed you were. You were gone just before we were about to find out for sure.

You weren't just a fetus to me. You were my daughter and you still are. You will always be thought of as my first child. All of your future brothers and sisters will know about you. When I think of having other babies, I think of no matter how many we have, you won't ever be replaced or thought less of because they will be here and you're not.

I sometimes wonder if you are in heaven watching all of us. I'm sorry that your grandparents don't acknowledge you as their granddaughter and they try to deny you existed. It hurts me as I am sure it must hurt you. The only explanation I can really come up with is that they just don't understand and they never will. But remember that me and your father love you enough to make up for everyone else.

I'm sorry I couldn't bring you into this world the way you deserved. I tried so hard and I miss you so much. I think about how sweet your smile would look, and how cute your giggle would sound, and I wonder what your first word would be. I also think about your birthdays, graduation, your wedding day, so many events that you should have had.

Even though a big part of me knows you won't ever get to read this, even if you are in heaven. But I kind of hope you do and maybe you will know and believe with all of your heart that I love you and I always will. Please forgive me for not instantly realizing how special you are and for failing you as a mother.