The last couple months I have been bouncing back and forth between going to the doctor and going to the counselor. I have yet to figure out the purpose of seeing the doctor every month considering all she does is check my blood pressure, check to see how the paxil is doing and listen to me breathe. Oh and of course the long wait in the waiting room starring at old magazines and people who are a lot older than me but probably have been there only half the number of times as me. For this we pay 20 dollars an appointment for?? I can think of better uses for 20 dollars..such as..a DVD. Although the last appointment was interesting. I found out the paxil is causing me to gain weight..that got confirmed by me having to get on a scale that looks like it was built before the building the doctor's practice is in. So she's having me taper off that and wants me to take another kind of medicine instead that will not cost more. Yeah like 35 dollars a bottle, per month isn't enough.

As for the counselor..I'm actually liking going there which is surprising since I worked very hard at avoiding counselors most of my life. This counselor is different than what I expected. She doesn't say "Uh huh, uh huh" like she's half paying attention. She really listens, talks about her own life and experiences. Granted I tell a lot more but at least she says something that proves she's listening and can relate on some level. My mother hates the counselor and thinks it's a waste of time. The counselor thinks my mother is a control freak who needs counseling herself. Well I won't disagree with that. How can I really?? It's the stories I've told about my mother that's got the counselor thinking that. My mother is under the impression that the counselor is just looking to blame her because in her opinion that's what all counselors do. I have got her believing that I don't talk badly about her during the sessions with the counselor. Why would I?? Yeah I'm going to say "Yeah mom, I'm going in there and telling every bad thing you've ever done or said." Although I'm not going to stop doing it because unfortunately my mother is a big source of stress. Like I tell my husband, my mother would make a nun cuss like a sailor in a bar.

In general I do like the counselor. Although she does give the impression of sometimes of someone who is stuck up, she has yet to really raise that nose of hers towards me and I hope she doesn't. My mother said she was surprised the counselor hasn't said something to piss me off. To be honest..so am I. Everyone in my life has said at least one thing to piss me off..how is that counselor has managed to not?? Speaking of the counselor, I have to go back tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it. I honestly feel a bit better while in there. I have yet to cry during the session like you see in the movies. Not sure why. I thought I would.

The paranoia and nervous part of the anxiety disorder is pretty much under control. I've had a couple outbursts over the summer. Not fun really especially since I couldn't even control them and I hated myself right after I calmed down. I would blow up at things I shouldn't have blown up at. It didn't just come on suddenly. It was like I was the Incredible Hulk. I could take just so much then I'd explode into a yelling fit. I haven't had an outburst in about 2 weeks. I feel like a recovering alcoholic. I can tell exactly when the last time was. For an alcoholic it's a drink, for me it's an outburst. Speaking of alcohol, maybe what I need is to get really drunk one time..but unfortunately the paxil forbids any alcohol. Oh great, first time I was old enough to buy a drink legally, I couldn't because I was pregnant, now I can't because the medicine says I can't.

The depression is getting to me though. I sometimes lay in bed, mute the tv, stare at the wall and just not say anything. My husband will get on the computer and he'll try to cheer me up. Usually he can, other times I just can't get cheered up. I'm mostly depressed about the baby. Other things though are wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life, how 23 seems so young when you hear the number but when you feel it, you feel old. Especially if you haven't had kids yet. I thought I would have at least one or two kids by now. Now even if I get pregnant tomorrow I'll be at least 24. This isn't to knock people who choose to wait or who have babies when they are older. It's just..I'm not feeling as young as I probably should feel. Maybe that's the depression talking. It seems like I went from being really young to feeling really old in a matter of days.

My husband and I have adopted a kitty cat. It's an interesting story actually. When my cat of 14 and a half years died last year I thought I'd never want another cat. I just couldn't bring myself to really care about another cat and then have to watch it die like I did with my other cat. Over the last few months though I had gotten attached to a cat that roamed thru the neighborhood. It was a female cat and I think I've mentioned her a few times here. Well my husband and my mother had been talking about getting me another cat since before my birthday. I was hesitant at first..and this probably will sound silly but I went to where we buried my cat that died last year. I talked to him a bit. That probably sounds weird but this cat always knew what I was saying and listened and always obeyed every command I gave. I said that if he was okay with me getting another cat to give me some kind of sign. I realized when I said it I may have been asking for something that wouldn't happen.

Anyways on July 10, my mother comes over and says she saw a cat that was up for adoption at the vet we used to go to. So my husband and I got ready and went over there. Well I met this adorable orange cat. She was orange, stripped, with a white tip in her tail and beautiful green eyes. I held her, she nuzzled me sweetly and I rubbed her. I was affectionate to her and she was to me in return. My mother almost cried because of how sweet this cat was being. I decided instantly that this was the cat I wanted. Based mostly on the fact of how sweet and affectionate she was. They said she was about a year old and that she needed to be spade the next day and we could pick her up on July 12. At the time I didn't realize it but that was my cat that died last year's birthday. He would have turned 16 years old this passed July 12. Call me crazy but I call that a sign.

Those 2 days seemed to go by SO slowly. I couldn't wait to bring her home. My husband and I spent most of that first night and part of the next day trying to think of a name for her. One name we both really liked was Lexie and was leaning towards going with that. Temptation got the better of me on the day she had surgery and we went up to the vet to see how she was. It took a few minutes before anyone came out and they said she was doing all right. Except for one thing. The vet found something on her. A penis!! That's right!! She is a HE!! Color me shocked and knock me over with a feather. So now we needed to come up with a male name..that would take several days to come up with one my husband and I both liked.

The next day we go to pick him up and I figured I just had to ask what everyone thought when they found out the cat was a boy. I asked how the vet found out. The assistant there said that the vet started the surgery, had the cat asleep and opened up his belly and didn't find any female parts. I was like "Umm okay.." Then I said "So he went ahead and neutered him right??" And she sayd "Well no..you see he then found out he was already neutered." I was like "Umm okay." What I was really thinking was "I think this vet needs to retire!! What a *beeping* moron!!" We brought him home and he is such a sweet cat. He sleeps with us all the time and he loves to cuddle and be cuddled. It took us 3 days to name him but we decided on the name: Oscar. We've taken tons of picturs of him that I need to upload. I've since spoken to the vet about the little error he made. He said "Well I was told he was female and that he was pregnant." Well gee some vet..doesn't he know to check himself?!?! Why should I be too surprised though?? After all, one time he thought my other cat was a female dog!!

My husband is taking an extended leave of absense from the roleplaying game he does online. I'm not sure if I'm surprised or not. A lot of people seem to have lost interest in the game. I tried to play in the game but I couldn't really follow and I lost interest quick. I'm a little surprised though considering how much time he and a couple others have devoted to the game and he as well as them have taken time away and considered quitting all together.

My mother is having surgery in a couple weeks for her shoulder. She should have had it long ago but she's stubborn as hell. Keep in mind this is a woman who is convinced she can "cure" her own diabetes. From what I've been told some bone chipped or something and it's rubbing against something, causing lots of pain and could tear something in her shoulder. My mother used to tell me that if you can fix something that's causing pain and you won't, then don't complain when you feel the pain. Now here she's complaining about her shoulder, stalling the surgery as much as possible and she's considering cancelling this one. Well she keeps saying she COULD. If she cancels this one then I'm sorry but I'll have to call a stubborn ass a stubborn ass.

My father has stopped being a bus driver. He spends all that time trying to become one and now he's given it up. During the summer they didn't give him hardly any hours at all, but he sticks with it, now they want him to drive 40 hours a week and not a minute less and he quits. In a way that doesn't make sense..in another it does. He's gotten accepted to be a college referee. So it looks like he'll be gone most of the time going who knows where all over the country. Apparently he can't drive a bus and fly to the other side of the country at the same time. I should be a little sad he won't be home much anymore. In a way I am I guess. He was gone a lot while I was growing up so this shouldn't be too much different. I realized long ago that I was not in the top 5 on my father's list. Now a lot of people, such as my mother would say I'm wrong..but consider this. If a father put his daughter in the top 5 would she have to celebrate her birthdays early sometimes just because her father wanted to go to a race or something like that on her birthday?? The hugs he gives me are quite pathetic too. Actually you can't even call them hugs. More like he stands there like a statue, usually looking at the computer or something and doesn't stop me from hugging him. No arms around me hugging back, no looking at me while I'm hugging him. In fact sometimes I wonder if he even realizes I'm hugging him.

Speaking of my father, he's losing brain cells I'm afraid. A couple years ago while I was pregnant my father had to have some kind of procedure or surgery or something on his heart. He had been taking diet pills and they did damage to his heart. Now he takes medicine and he has to be on it for the rest of his life. You would think that would be a wake up call. My mother got pissed off at him when she found out he was taking the pills. My husband wasn't too thrilled about it either. But I figured he wouldn't be on them anymore. Once you see the damage those pills do, you stop taking them out of fear of more damage. Well not long ago I suspected my father was taking them again. No one else thought so They thought I was mistaken, that he wouldn't go back on them. Well I found a M&M's bottle nicely hidden. Now call me crazy but why would you need to put regular pills in an M&M's bottle??

I have since found out that he IS taking those damn diet pills again!! My response is: is he nuts?!?!?!?! Hasn't he already learned the damage those damn things can do?? And not only is my mother (who used to be as against it as me) not mad at him for it, she's helping him hide it from his doctor!! They're insisting he "doesn't take them much, just every now and then." Excuse me, but what is the difference?? She told him to go a few days without taking the pills before going in for his physical not long ago. Then yesterday she told me that the doctor said he was doing well. My response was "Oh so he actually went a week without taking those diet pills huh??"

My father is an exercise nut. He works out several hours every day, he worries about calories, weighs himself all the time and insists on us seeing the scale and seeing how he's doing. I asked him if he was trying to lose anymore weight. He said no. So of course I want to know why is he still taking those pills?!?! I am so tempted to get those pills and throw them away but what good would that do?? He'd just get more. The scary part of all this..his doctor is the one who suggested them to him a couple years ago. What is it with doctors?? Don't they have to have a brain to graduate medical school?? I thought that was a requirment.

Yikes it's 12:13am. Who would think an entry would take 2 hours to write?? Well considering how long my entries usually get I should be glad this entry got finished in the same week.

Now as for the reason why I went 2 months without an entry. Lack of motovation is the best way to describe it. I got to the point where I hated having to manually put in each entry name and put each month on a separate page and decorate it a certain way that it. So I figured if I didn't write entries I wouldn't have to deal with it. Aboutme.com becoming a pain didn't help matters. Not to mention this depression and anxiety disorder just got me less motovated. But now I've got it set to archive entries and automaticly enter the entries names on the older entries page, not going to make fancy buttons for the menu..just going to write the entry and archive each month. I realize it's a bit on the lazy side but oh well...I'M BACK & got more opinions than one person ought to. ;))