Now I truly and deeply love Jeff. I really do. He used to be so romantic and creative I would get tears at how sweet he was and how happy his surprises and romantic gestures made me. However lately, the surprises are few and far in between. Also, sometimes the surprises have to be seriously hinted at which..kinda defeats the purpose in a way..doesn't it?? His romantic side is also something that has to be hinted at or it becomes a rare occurance.

I don't get it. He used to be SO romantic. He'd send me sweet e-mails, write me sweet notes and stick them on the computer or write them in wordpad, buy me a candy bar as a surprise, actually WANTED to spend time with me and paid attention to me and could read me like a book.

And now??

I haven't gotten a sweet e-mail from him in months. It's been almost as long since I got a sweet note. He doesn't buy me anything anymore unless I hint or ask him to. I have to beg him to spend time with me and he usually moans and groans..acting as if he'd rather be doing anything else and with anyone else. He still pays attention to me but not to the same degree. I feel like I'm either falling back into a depression or I've already fallen into it and I'm just sinking below sea level like quicksand. Does he notice?? No. I tell him that I think I am..he doesn't believe me..saying he'd know if I was. Last night I was REALLY depressed. He said I wasn't depressed or really having a down moment..I was "normal". Ummm ok..not too sure if that's a compliment or an insult.

For our 7 year anniversary this year we gave each other presents. I gave him a comic book subscription and a DVD. He got me several DVD's. We also went to AppleBee's for our anniversary meal. Jeff doesn't usually like to receive cards but he's usually really good at giving them. And he's SO romantic in them..the things he writes. This year I didn't get a card, a sweet note and I barely got a "Happy Anniversary" out of him. Usually it's a sweet and romantic day where we talk about it a lot. We barely said much about it this year.

Not to mention..no real private romantic alone time, no cuddling, not much kissing, no making out and no sex. I even asked him when we got home tonight if he wanted some romantic time..just the two of us. He waited a few minutes before giving an answer..I should have taken that as a hint right there. He said "Why don't you get on the computer for awhile and then maybe I'll change my mind."

*Sigh*

Yeah why don't I go do that?? Why don't I just go sulk on the computer, watching my anniversary with the man I love just slip away and time enters a new..DIFFERENT day. I can only get on the computer any old day but August 8th just happens once a year.

I am feeling so unloved, unneeded, unappreciated and undesired. He doesn't kiss me nearly as much as he used to. He comes to me for opinions on his stories sometimes but he has other people who he goes to for help on that as well and he never gives me credit for the help I give. Although he gives credit to everyone else who helps. Even if they just help a tiny bit he gives them credit. I was the first and main one to edit one of his stories. Some other person edited again, not changing much because hey I already had..now who got the credit for the editing?? NOT ME!! Surprise surprise!!

As for being unappreciated..I feel like all the help and money I do for him is just like water off a duck's back. I was going to create a page for him to put his stories on. I spent time planning it out in my head, thinking it out, talking to him about it and getting ready to start on it and he turns around and says he doesn't need it anymore..but hey maybe later. Yeah later..thanks so much.

The undesired one is much easier. We've only had sex something like once in the past 2-3 months. Usually going more than 2 days was depressing and shocking. He doesn't even try to be intimate with me or really touch me. When we used to go just 2 days (or more) he would at least touch me and give me pleasure in other ways. He won't even do that really anymore. Nor do I get any romantic massages from him anymore. He still masturbates on a regular basis. In fact I think he masturbates more in a month then sex we've had in 6 months. Sex stories and skinnier girls seem to be all that turns him on now.

He doesn't even really tell me of any aches and ailings. Like if he has a pain or something. Does he tell me?? No he tells my mom. He needs a haircut. Does he let me do it?? No he has my mom do it.

What does he come to me for??

Well let's see..when he wants his back rubbed as he's falling asleep..money when he needs cigarettes or whatever, he comes to me. The amount of money he owes me is OVER 1,600 dollars. The amount of money in my bank account is about half that. It used to be the other way around. I used to have nearly 2,000 dollars and he only owed me a couple hundred. He has borrowed over 1,000 dollars since the beginning of the year and has made minimum attemps to pay me back.

When he wants me to take birth control pills so I don't get pregnant (how I would when we rarely have sex is beyond me) or when he wants me to take paxil so I don't go nuts on him he needs me. When he wants to tell me about something he saw on tv (yet acts like I'm taking up his valuable time when I take 1/3 of the time he starts rushing me) I get some attention. When he wants to go somewhere to do something or get something he comes to me to go with him. Other than these times, it feels like I cease to exist to him.

What happened?? I mean seriously..what happened?? I used to feel so needed, loved and desired so much. He used to be so sweet and romantic. One time for Valentine's Day we didn't have a lot of money and he made me a heart with our names in it made out of poster paper. I thought it was incredibly sweet and romantic. It wasn't something bought out of a store or ordered online but it was something sweet, something he made and something that came from his heart with love. I loved it so much. I honestly cannot remember the last time he did that..without any hinting of course.

I hate to say it but in a way...since we have more money now..it seems like presents we give each other is granted a way of saying "I love you" but at the same time it's like being able to get things you want without having to pay for them. They've lost the originality, the creativitiy, the spark that made them so special.