I was actually kind of glad when my knee started hurting yesterday. I was thinking it would actually get me out of going. WRONG!! Well let me rephrase. Sure the appointment could be cancelled but we'd owe a 20 dollar co-pay, another appointment would have to be scheduled and we'd have to pay another 20 dollars. Now maybe I sound cheap but I hate wasting money and all doing that would do is make us owe them another 20 dollars AND I'd have more time to dread the pap smear. I am seriously starting to hate saying those 2 words. Maybe it's the word "smear". I'm getting images of Robin Williams in "The Birdcage" saying "men smear". Well I guess in the case of pap smears, so do women. Okay now that was gross, I admit it.

My husband and I drove to where her practice was. I was going on no sleep and I had forgotten to take a paxil the night before, so my nerves were shot all to hell. Well we got there, even though I tried to talk my husband into turning around. Her practice just happened to be on the second floor of a hospital. We didn't have any clue where to go so we asked these 2 old women who worked at an information desk. Well once one of them found out where we were going, she said "Oh I have to go there soon." An 80 year old woman going thru a pap smear created images in my head then that no one should have to see.

A few times I said I was going to leave, and actually pretended to head for the door. I wasn't actually going to leave but damn did I want to. When we were in the waiting room, it was SO small. Luckily we were the only 2 people in there. Although they did have a tv there, but it was up near the ceiling and I couldn't reach it while it was showing a tv show I don't like.

They were several big frames up there with a bunch of baby pictures the doctors there had delivered. Just what I want to see. As if I wasn't already depressed enough about the baby we lost. My husband and I looked at them and turned it into a game. We would point a picture and say what that baby was probably thinking or what the look on their face meant. I came up with things like the baby just realized he had been reincarnated for the 3rd time and another one looked like he had just heard George W. Bush say something smart. It was still hard to see those pictures though.

The nurse came out and said my name. I looked at her said "Well I'd say that's me. My husband is the only other one here and I don't think it's him." The nurse said "I hope it's not him." Okay that also gives me interesting images. She said she needed to weigh me. Great..I just loved to be weighed and reminded how fat I am. Without realizing it I had my hand on a counter and she told me to move it and she weighed me for a second time. The second time was higher than the first. I even said "I like the first weight better." And can I just say again how much scales in doctors' offices suck!!

We went into this exam room and we sat down in 2 chairs with the thing that you lay on across the room. It had cloth like things on the stirrups and I swear they looked like pot holders. The nurse asked a bunch of questions. Then she asked when the last time of the month was. Okay pardon me but I am not here for a pregnancy test so why do you need to know that?? Actually I don't think she had a clue what I was in there for until we told her. She said "Are you here for a 6 month follow up??" Follow up to what?!?! I said "Well if you don't know why I'm here I'll just go." and then proceeded to try to leave. My attempt was blocked though by my husband.

She showed me the gown I was going to have to change into and the sheet I'd be having over me to cover me up. Now before I've had a gown that was way too small with a big draft in the back and a sheet was made of paper and wouldn't cover up a printer. This time I had a gown that had a small draft but was more comfy and the sheet was made of cloth and it was big enough to cover a bed. A few minutes later the doctor came in. She asked some questions and I told her I didn't want to have the pap smear and she was understanding. She then told me to get undressed as she walked out of the room.

Now maybe I'm in the minority here but getting THAT undressed in a public place just seems weird!! I told my husband "I'm not a Jerry Springer guest wanna-be." I asked my husband if I could leave. The back of the gown was producing a mild draft and my husband knew this and said "Go right ahead..I dare you." He knew I wasn't going anywhere dressed like that. A few minutes later she came back in and I said "Do we have to do this??" The answer was unfortunately yes.

Now for anyone who doesn't know what a pap smear feels like..picture a big medal sharp thing going inside you, spreading you open and then a q-tip going inside you. First though she did a breast exam. Or as I like to call it "Being felt up in front of witnesses." The pap smear then began and there I was. Legs spread like a Thanksgiving Day turkey. The first few minutes wasn't too bad. Then it was like "Holy shit!! This sucks!!" She kept saying relax. Yeah right woman..who the hell is going to relax with that whatever shoved up inside them hurting like hell?? She then kept saying "Bare down, one more time". And yes I said "kept saying". One more time turned into about 10 times. She went into detail about each thing she was doing. I have yet to determine if it helped or just made it worse. The pain kept increasing, I thought for sure I was going to start bleeding but I didn't.

My husband was SO wonderful. He held my hand, talked me thru it, said everything was going to be okay and rubbed my head to make me feel better. There is NO way I could have gotten thru that without him there with me. One time I accidently scratched him. He said "You can squeeze my hand as hard as you want, just don't claw me." He is SO sweet. He even bought me lunch afterwards. One of these days I'm going to have to figure out what I did to deserve him.

A minute after the doctor and the nurse left, the nurse tried to get back in. She said "I just have to come back in for a minute, is that ok??" No you dumb bitch, I'm naked and trying to get dressed. Would you let someone open the door and come in if you were naked?? My husband answered back and said "No it's not okay, just hang on." Thank you sweetie!! :))

When the nurse did come in a couple minutes later she went over and looked at the sample they had taken and said "Ooohh." in a not so encouraging way. Then she took it and walked out. Well great woman, leave me in suspense. My husband said it looked like the thing the sample was on broke. I said "Well they sure as hell aren't going to do it again!!"

The doctor came back in and she said the sample was fine, she took a quick look under the microscope and everything looked fine but she'd know for sure in 2 weeks. Well at least I don't have to wonder as much as I would have if she didn't take a quick look.

The doctor gave me 2 months worth of birth control pills. She also said to let her know when I go off the paxil and that she'll put me on prenatal vitamins really soon. Yay!! Get off the paxil, get off the birth control pills, start on prenatal vitamins. It makes it feel like the time for us to have a baby is getting closer and closer. It's really starting to feel real. I can't wait!!

So final thoughts on how it went. It wasn't pleasant although it wasn't as bad as I thought it was and I still really like the doctor. I do find it ironic that her practice is actually inside the exact hospital that my husband and I want to use when we have kids. Now even though I said it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, that doesn't mean I'm ready to go thru it again. It still sucks!! Thank God I don't have to go thru it again for a year.